Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds till.” After you ask, “Two seconds to what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard. Chuck Norris appeared in the “Street Fighter II” video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.” Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away. Chuck Norris’s girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, “HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!” and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend’s bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, “Don’t **** with Chuck!” Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths. To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist. Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually “Chuck Norris–more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris–robot in disguise,” and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

And even better is a quote from Chuck Norris’ website about these facts:

Awesome! So he doesn’t deny them…

Update: I have since seen several other “Facts” but about other people so I figured I’d just add them here… See the comments for some and I’ve collected them here:

• There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
• Behind every great man, there is a great woman. Behind that woman is Chuck Norris.
• A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. A bird in the hand of Chuck Norris is a deadly weapon in 17 states.
• When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger.
• A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris’ shoe. Norris replied, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m Chuck Norris!” The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse kick delivered by Chuck Norris.
• When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, “Holy crap! That’s Chuck Norris!” Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.
• Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

Update #2:

• Chuck Norris coined the phrase “Pardon my French” after picking up a French man and using him like a bat to club people.
• Chuck Norris can set an ant-mound on fire with a magnifying glass. At night. Without a magnifying glass or an ant-mound.
• Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
• When asked by a reporter what his only weakness was Chuck Norris replied, “I sometimes love too much.” He then ripped out the reporters spine and beat him to death with it.
• Chuck Norris gives cell phones cancer.
• It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart
• Chuck Norris doesn’t need six degrees to get to Kevin Bacon.
• There is nothing to fear but fear itself, and fear itself fears Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by “knit”, I mean “roundhouse kick”, and by “sweaters”, I mean “babies”.
• When life hands you lemons, try not to piss off Chuck Norris, because he will make human-ade
• The tears of Chuck Norris can cure cancer. Too bad he never cries.
• Chuck Norris has a word for a person he puts into a coma; that word is “lucky.”
• Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
• Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
• Chuck Norris CAN believe it’s not butter.
• Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
• Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.