1. Leaving the toilet seat up -
My only problem with the toilet seat being up is that I have to touch it to put it down. Oh, the germs! I also have to worry about stepping in drops of pee left on the floor from that shaky-shaky thing you do. GROSS!

1. Sunday sports -
I love them. The more football the better! When is Nascar going to be over?

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
You haven’t shopped with me yet.

1. Crying is blackmail.
You should try it some time…a good cry or using it as a blackmail tactic.

1. Ask for what you want.
I am working on it! Dammit!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. “Care to expand further than a one syllable word?” AMEN!

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. “Girlfriends solve problems in 10 minutes - you guys solve it in 10 days.”
Another AMEN.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Yeah, I agree. Have you had your prostate checked lately? How about your nutsack? Take your own advice!

1. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
If I looked like those girls in those outfits, I would do it daily-nightly…and why would I want some egotistical man-whore for a boyfriend/husband? Jeesh!

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
Ouch, asshole!

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes you sad or angry, then we meant the other one. “Ah, good out - weak out, but good out.”
Did I already say “AMEN!” ???

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
Oh, it’s been done so many times before…

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Good one. Don’t even try to talk to me during Grey’s Anatomy! FFS.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
I have no shame in admitting I need directions somewhere. If that’s all it takes to make you feel inadequate or stupid–that’s your problem.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
*sigh*–It’s a hard life, isn’t it guys?

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. “I wouldn’t be proud of that. You should see a doctor.”
ROFLMAO!

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle, besides we know you will bring it up again later.
There’s so much truth here it’s embarassing! (At least for me…)

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
Yes, a tough life lesson, but one worth learning for sure…this rule applies to you, too.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really.
I am happy to say that my fiancee has great taste and often gives very good advice on my wardrobe choices. By the way, I HATE THE WORD FINE…

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
I am staying far away from this one…

1. You have enough clothes.
No such thing.

1. You have too many shoes. “Yep, and we’ll be getting more this weekend. Move your stuff in the closet to make room please.”
DOUBLE AMEN!

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
And you’re happy/comfortable with that??? Really???

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.
Can I sleep in the couch with you? Wait…NO! You snore, I don’t have enough room and you fart on me! I’ll take the comfy bed and six fluffy pillows and the kitties any day.

1. Men are NOT mind readers — “If you men could see what were were thinking, you’d cry.”

1. “How hard is it to pee with the toilet seat down? Is it really that challenging for you?”

1 Sunday sports - “Thank goodness that can occupy your time. We now get freedom!”

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. “And neither is jumpin’ up and down during a sports game on TV. The crowd can’t hear you.”

1. Crying is blackmail. “Actually tears are made of NaCL, a tad of mucus, some antibodies and antibacterial enzymes.”

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
“Like you’d really remember what we asked for…sigh”

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. “Care to expand further than a one syllable word?”

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. “Girlfriends solve problems in 10 minutes - you guys solve it in 10 days.”

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor. “A doctor can’t truly get rid of OUR headache - that would take an alien ship taking YOU away *giggles*.”

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days. “You can have this one…”

1. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys. “You only get what you deserve, right?”

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. “Vice versa…but please don’t cry!”

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes you sad or angry, then we meant the other one. “Ah, good out - weak out, but good out.”

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. “As we usually do. There are times we want you to feel like you are part of the answer…it’s a courtesy thing on our end.”

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials. “We’ve got better things to fill our time. Whenever possible, please fast forward through commercials…that’s what DVR is for.”

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we. “And how late are you going to be again?”

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. “Get a dictionary.”

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. “I wouldn’t be proud of that. You should see a doctor.”

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle, besides we know you will bring it up again later. “Did you say something?”

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear. “If we didn’t want an answer, then we wouldn’t ask. Sounds like you don’t know the answer - so there’s no shame in admitting that.”

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really. “Agreed…”

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf. “We can teach you about sports and guns…ready to learn?!”

1. You have enough clothes. “Yes, and you should keep doing our laundry. Good boys.”

1. You have too many shoes. “Yep, and we’ll be getting more this weekend. Move your stuff in the closet to make room please.”

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape! “Har, and so is a square! Ah, bad memories from school coming back to haunt you?”

1. Thank you for reading this. “Ditto”

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.
“Promise you are sleeping on the couch???!!!!”