Hey gang, it’s Karl here, filling in for Wayne while he runs off to Lake Tahoe to gamble away his life savings.
It’s not easy guest blogging for Whall because he puts all these restrictions on you, like you can’t curse and you can’t show naked pictures of yourself. Man, that’s 95% of my repertoire right there! Now I’m supposed to stay clothed and use words like “heck” and “holy moley?” That’s frakkin bullhonkydoodoo, I tell you!
Still, when your host wishes to maintain a PG level on his blog, you have to honor it, even if you’re typically rated NC-17. House rules. I forgot to ask Wayne if I was supposed to take off my shoes before entering his house, but oh well. He’ll have to deal with it.
I live in this little tiny town in south central Florida called Sebring. Population is a little over 10,000, which is only slightly smaller than the city I lived in for 11 years before coming to Florida – Dallas, Texas.
The other day, Sebring actually made national news for something other than the 12 Hours of Sebring auto races. We had some buttclown (again, keeping it clean) play an April Fool’s joke by placing dozens of plain white envelopes on car windshields in the Florida Hospital parking lot. Each envelope contained white powder.
Needless to say, everybody freaked, especially since a select few envelopes contained a message: “Define anthrax.” The whole hospital was on lockdown for 14 hours…nobody allowed in or out.
This idiot also planted envelopes in some residential mailboxes. So there were a couple of residential communities on lockdown, too. The FBI was here, Homeland Security, and I think I heard mention that Captain Crunch was here. They weren’t messing around.
A sample of the powder was delivered to Tampa – 2 hours away, the closest place to Sebring that has testing facilities better than that in Walmart. Turns out, surprise, that it wasn’t anthrax.
Nope, it was Johnson’s Cornstarch Baby Powder. Which the moron bought at Walmart, where they have video cameras. I don’t know how they caught the guy, but they did. And here he is.
That’s Jerron Mario Moffitt, 20 years old, mugging it up for his mug shot. Now being held with 75 counts of second-degree felony, hoax of weapons of mass destruction. Ha, isn’t that funny? What a frakkin imbecile. Did Jerron Mario Moffitt never hear of 9/11? Anthrax just isn’t the fun and games it used to be.
Did you ever notice that the most notorious criminals are represented by THREE names? Lee Harvey Oswald, John Wayne Gacy, John Wilkes Boothe, Mark David Chapman…you could go on and on. And now there’s Jerron Mario Moffit. Not just Jerron Moffit, mind you, because that doesn’t help us see what a horrid person he is. No, we need to use his middle name, too.
It’s like when I was a kid and my mom’s voice would suddenly drop 3 octaves as she caught me in the act doing something horrible, say, stealing cookies from the top of the fridge, or pushing my sister down the stairs. She’d say, “Karl Thomas Erikson!” And my whole body would freeze up.
Fortunately, aside from my parents, the only place you’ll see all three of my names is at your local post office. I can’t remember the charges…it’s not like I was swearing on Wayne’s blog or anything.
So kids, next April Fool’s Day don’t be tempted to stick cornstarch powder in white envelopes and plant them around your town, lest you be known by your 3-named moniker your whole life.
And as a special bonus, I give to you my favorite new commercial, which contains absolutely no curse words, no nudity, and no violence. It’s all about lawn maintenance. And it’s subtle, like an anvil being dropped on your foot.
Thanks for having me, Wayne. Enjoy your trip and bring me back some money.
Great post, Karl. And great job of keeping Wayne’s blog PG (not even PG-13 allowed here). I can see my work on restraint is cut out for me on Tuesday.
The 3 names rule of these wack jobs is pretty common throughout history.
martymankins´s last blog post..One Year Ago Today
In order to maintain a PG rating, I ran my original post through a 6-year-old interpreter. Took some major reworking, and some explaining to the 6-year-old’s parents as to why their child was now swearing like a sailor.
Karl Erikson´s last blog post..Teeny Tiny Screws
What an idiot! My mom’s voice always went up, sort of a shriek “Diana LYNN!” It still resonates
Geeky Tai-Tai´s last blog post..April 1, 1978
Heh, yeah, high or low…same results.
Karl Erikson´s last blog post..Guest Blogging Today
Sebring! Ah, yes. Been there.
I’m in North Fort Myers.
So, when your time comes to frighten the world, are you going to be Karl Doe Erikson?
Sandi´s last blog post..Jesus is not messing with our heads.
I’ve been to Ft. Myers!
Karl Erikson´s last blog post..Guest Blogging Today
And that’s precisely why I go as Adam Heath Avitable. For notoriety.
Avitable´s last blog post..The Lottery
Like John Wayne Gacy? Or Mary Stuart Masterson?
Faiqa´s last blog post..Saturdays Are for Loving Poppy
And Mary Kate Olsen. And Chad Michael Murray.
Avitable´s last blog post..The Lottery
Notorious, the lot.
Karl Erikson´s last blog post..Guest Blogging Today
Actually, that was pretty clever. Do you think he meant it as a political statement? Something about that mug shot makes me think not. I can’t believe whall didn’t ask ME to post for him. I’m devastated.
Faiqa´s last blog post..Saturdays Are for Loving Poppy
I think he’s just an idiot. Not smart enough to make a political statement. And Whall didn’t ASK anyone in particular. He just put the word out he needed people and I happened to catch it.
Karl Erikson´s last blog post..Guest Blogging Today
As Sheila mentioned, I did a tweet about it and just took replies. I really am pleased with the great response for guest posting. It was an organic unplanned growth, kind of like, um, well, moss?
Oh nice! That commercial was funny, but kinda hokey, too.
Karl Thomas Erikson!!!
My mom just said my full, 4 syllable first name, and I knew I was in for it. I didn’t need the full 3 names.
Sybil Law´s last blog post..Miscellaneous Bull[sh]it
Yeah, well, there’s only one syllable in my first name. Not nearly as effective as Sybillantis.
Karl Erikson´s last blog post..Guest Blogging Today
Bullhonkeydoodoo….priceless.
@Faiqa He actually sent out a twitter/facebook update and you had to beg him to be able to post.
Sheila (Charm School Reject)´s last blog post..Wait, Wait, Wait, Wait
You have to be creative when there’s no swearing allowed.
Karl Erikson´s last blog post..Guest Blogging Today
That is a great commercial.
Nobody™´s last blog post..Nothing cheap about Disney World
Cracked me up, yeah.
Karl Erikson´s last blog post..Guest Blogging Today
My grandma called me “Dawn Marie” growing up, in good times and bad. But she was the only one, so maybe that’s why I didn’t end up in a life of crime?
BlondeBlogger´s last blog post..I’M ON BRITNEYSPEARS.COM!!!!!!
You owe it all to your grandma.
Karl Erikson´s last blog post..Guest Blogging Today
That is exactly why I’m trying to get known by my full name Robin Elizabeth Grausam.
That is exactly why I shall steer clear of you.
Karl Erikson´s last blog post..Guest Blogging Today
Have I mentioned that Wayne is my middle name? The “middle name Wayne” curse so far hasn’t caused me to go on a shooting spree or assassinate anyone. I don’t think my Cylon programming is complete.
Thankfully, the medication seems to be working on you. Most Waynes just wind up with their photos on the post office wall.
Karl´s last blog post..Guest Blogging Today
Crap! From now on just refer to me as “Black Mama.”
OK, but you don’t really look the part.
Karl´s last blog post..Guest Blogging Today