LeSombre, being awesome as usual

Johnny Jacobs: Welcome back to the Roast of Wayne Hall. Our next roaster hails from Canadia. He gave up a promising football career to become a horrible blogger. They call him LeSombre because his LovelyWife insists they keep the lights off while making whoopee -Ladies and gentlemens, boys and girls of 13 years or more:  LeSooooooooooombre!

[Crowd goes nuts]

Thank you, thank you! Please sit down. 

Oh man, what an honour* to be on this dais with the rest of the roasters. When I saw the line-up for this week’s Roast, I was completely Verklempt. I mean, it’s not every day that I get to look this good just by standing next to a bunch of people. 

You know, when someone has a hard time writing on his own blog, and ends up blogging about the same things over and over again – sniffs, cries, pouts, my life sucks, hey look what I found online, Oh I might stop blogging soon – they normally don’t get invited to do one of these things. So how did you get invited here Karl?

Not to pounce on the elderly, but Karl was recently at a shopping mall with his daughters and got lost. His daughters went to the security office and said:

“We’ve lost our dad”

The mall cop asked, “What’s he like?”

They replied, “Jack Daniel’s and women with big bazongas.”

Speaking of big bazongas, Robin from the road less unravelled is here.

Robin is both Jewish and Irish. She married a gay man – typical Luck of the Irish. But then her Jewish heritage kicked in and she figured it was cheaper than hiring a maid.

And let’s say hello to Marty Mankins from bbumaccident.com (PG-13fied) who is gracing us with his presence. I’m certain that when I learned that Marty was going to guest post here, my reaction  was the same as yours:

Who?

But then of course I did a little research and was promptly disciplined at work for mistyping his URL. 

Eventually I gathered that Marty is the Snowy Sunday guy. Boy was that a disappointment when I realized it was about actual snow. Hey Marty, you know in Canadia we have a special channel that talks about snow 24/7/365. It’s called the window.

Speaking of the weather, I blame everything on Cissa, aka the Wiccan Witch of the East (Go Patriots!).

Maybe I should give Cissa a break because it’s not easy being a blonde Witch. For example, Cissa once put her broom in the washing machine because she wanted a clean sweep.  I asked Cissa how many Witches it took to change a light bulb. She said “Into what?”. 

What do you call 13 Witches in a hot tub? A Self-Cleaning Coven. Well, in Cissa’s case, that would be an awesome HNT. I might even convert from my Pastafarian ways for that.

And speaking of crazy chicks…

What can I say about SheilaCSR that has not been covered in the DSM-IV already? It’s really ill-advised to make fun of one’s Blogey Wife unless one doesn’t matter sleeping on the Blogey Couch and/or being in the Blogey Doghouse.  I sure have a knack to pick them, eh?

But enough about all these losers, let’s talk about the man of the hour week.

I have to tread really lightly here; I wouldn’t want to offend someone who thinks they have to own 300 handguns in case a polar bear attacks them. So I admit I was a little scared when Whall asked me to roast him. After all, he wants everything to be kept PG-13 – hence his use of “Whall’s 3-minute DITL” instead of “Whall’s 3-minute BEEEEEP”, and that’s not really my style.

So what can I say about Whall that would not get me in trouble?

Whall is such a Republican; he thinks “proletariat” is a type of cheese. He refers to me as “his Canadian friend” and secretly wishes I was black and gay. He doesn’t think “The Simpsons” is all that funny, but he watches it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense. He thinks HMO is a cable channel. He thinks spooning is something you do at Dairy Queen.

Yeah, I think I shouldn’t do that. What? This is not the rehearsal? Oh Sacrebleu!

Seriously Wayne, thanks for letting me guest post here. You are a cool guy and your geekdom – which is limitless, it seems – makes me feel normal. I hope you enjoyed your blogging break – I know we did. 

+++++

Oh hi! I’m guessing that if you read this far, you kind of figured out that this is LeSombre from LeSombre.ca. The .ca stands for Canadia, of course. Let me take this moment to thank Whall for letting me guest-post for real over here. If you ever visit my blog, you can expect things to be a lot less PG-13 than what you found here. This was really hard to write, and I think it made me a better person in the process.

Well, I can dream, can I?

One last thing: Thanks to all the bloggers who let me make fun of them in this post. If you’re wondering, I did contact every one of them to ask their permission, and I also had them okay the final post before publishing it. Yes, Canadians are THAT nice.

Special thanks to Shash from Crazedmommy for the use of Bazongas.

*Denotes Canadian spelling. Crazy UnitedStatsians with their made-up words.