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Hi, This is Wayne. This is my site, my stuff, my blog, blahblahblah. The site itself is powered by WordPress and the Scary Little theme. I thought it was cool, and I still do.

May
15
2009
12:05 am
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Greetings Wanton Consumerists and Suburban Slaves to the Man.

This is Faiqa, self appointed leader of the Native-Born Liberation Army (NBLA), informing you that your beloved Whall has been captured by our operatives.

Like all good liberation armies, we have given Mr. Hall the opportunity to either join us or to pay us $1,000,000,000,000,000,000.00 in exchange for his freedom.

Because, really?  We would never dream of forcing our ideals on other people without their express consent.

I and my army suggest that you, as friends and loyal fans of Mr. Hall, implore him to accept the tenets of our ideology as his own so he can get back to blogging for his loving, soullessly capitalistic audience without any further delay.

Our requirements are simple.

The NBLA Manifesto

As Amended for Mr. W. Hall.

  • Deep Abiding Sense of Patriotism. Mr. Hall will herein refer to President Barack Hussein Obama as “My Main Squeeze, The Big Cheese”
  • Charity Begins Under Duress. Mr. Hall will compose a correspondence directed to the IRS stating that not only does he wish to pay the amount of his income tax plus 25% for the rest of his natural life, but that he also insists that his taxes be used to put $10K rims on every method of transportation present in the government housing project nearest to his home.  Even bicycles.
  • Multiculturalism. Before engaging in any more blog writing, Mr. Hall will ask himself, “What would a liberal left wing semi socialist brown woman think of this?”  and then amend his thoughts accordingly.
  • More Multiculturalism. Mr. Hall will change his name to “Marmontiansese Nbyuti Barack Hussein Obama (tongue click) W. Hall” which means in a rare Kenyan dialect with which none of you have any familiarity, “Man, I Really Wish My Parents Had Named Me Barack Hussein Obama instead of W. Hall”
  • Even More Multiculturalism. Mr. Hall will spend the rest of his life creating LOLCats that exhibit a broader appeal to humanity.  His first creation could be, for example, a Tabby with a dot on its forehead happily encouraging you with the knowledge that “I Gots Teck Sahpport.”  Or a Persian cat getting waterboarded screeching, “But Ahm Jest Heer Awn Ah Stoodent Veesa!”
  • Equality of the Sexes. Mr. Hall will amend any and all items he owns that say, “Don’t Mess with Texas” to read “I Hate Sexists.”

I think you’ll all agree that the above sentiments are more than just notions of change, but promise to form the framework of an exciting and artfully constructed new world order.

Sincerely,

Faiqa
Supreme Magistrate of All Things Wise, Prudent and Being Generally Better Than Everyone Else Without Even Trying of the NBLA

UPDATE:  Early this morning, Mr.  Hall composed an e-mail that he requested we share with you.  The e-mail has been modified for the sake of brevity, but is true to form.  Mainly.


Help Me Internets!!

Dear Friends,

I can’t believe that not one of you offered to pay a ransom for me.  You’re a bunch of cheap jerks.

Thank you for your support.  It has meant the world to me.

As for the NBLA, it will be a cold day in h-e-double hockey mom sticks before I comply with any of their demands.  W. Hall is tough on terror.

The unbridled power of the NBLA is humbling and awe inspiring.

Obama, “My Main Squeeze, The Big Cheese”?  Ha!  More like “watching you snicker at  Wanda Sykes’ tasteless jokes made me wanna cut the cheese… ”

My captivity has given me time to reflect upon the ideals that I have held in the past and this reflection has prompted me to open a new chapter in my ideological life.  All I can say is, “Yes.  Yes, I can.”

Somebody please call the police.  Faiqa is completely insane, I think her pregnancy has made her psychotic.  Please.  Anyone.  Help me.  She’s going to make me watch a Spike Lee marathon.

I am happy here with Faiqa.  I’m not sure that my intellectual awakening is complete and would like to continue studying under her tutelage.

Oh, God.  Did she just mention Bollywood?  And a 24 hour repeat marathon of Gandhi??!  Oh, the humanity!!

Incidentally, I’m considering a hunger strike and may walk to the sea to make my own salt just as the great Mahatma did in the previous century.  I plan this with the hopes of reminding everyone that we’re all victimized by the post colonial legacy thrust upon the lesser developed nations by the Western powers.

NBLA Sounds Vaguely Similar to that Association for Pedophiles, doesn’t it?  What A Bunch Of Losers.

Fight the Power & Down With the Man,

Whall

Marmontiansese Nbyuti Barack Hussein Obama (tongue click) W. Hall

This e-mail is confidential, if you have received it in error… well, that sucks for us.  Don’t call the police.  NBLA is an equal opportunity conscript army and does not discriminate based on race, gender, class or sexual preferences.  We’re not fans of the French, though.  Or Saudis.  Or people who are intolerant of other people’s cultures.  Or people who steal lines from Austin Powers and try to pass them off as their own.


And lo, the people did comment thus:

28 Comments

  1. Dave2 says:

    How much does it cost to make sure they keep him? I’d be happy to keep guest-posting…

    Dave2´s last blog post..Boulder

  2. RebTurtle says:

    It’s not worth it! If she wants pickles with mint-chip ice cream and mango salsa, just go get some for her. Don’t provoke the pregnant woman, Whall (Otherwise just wait for a crying fit and slowly and quietly slip away)!

    RebTurtle´s last blog post..Poop Bounty

  3. SciFi Dad says:

    How am I supposed to be family friendly and not talk about pedophiles?

    Great job, Faiqa. This is awesome.

    SciFi Dad´s last blog post..Neglectimommy Volume 2

  4. Sybil Law says:

    Brilliant!!!
    Mahatma made his own salt?! Seriously? Did I miss that part?!
    I will be back when the changes have been implemented here at The Blog of Marmontiansese Nbyuti Barack Hussein Obama (tongue click) W. Hall.
    (Also, really really looking forward to the LOLcats! Hahahaha)

    Sybil Law´s last blog post..

    • Faiqa says:

      Yeah, Gandhi marched to sea to make his own salt because the British imposed taxes on salt consumption (despite the fact that it was produced in India). I wonder how many countries the British would still rule if they had never tried to tax the people they colonized? *We’d* probably be living in the United States of Britain. 🙂

      Faiqa´s last blog post..I’m Sorry, I’m Not Here Right Now…

  5. NYCWD says:

    I’ve got $3.42.

    Is that enough for a finger?

    NYCWD´s last blog post..Inundated

  6. Avitable says:

    The multiculturalism bullets were genius and full of hilarity. Nicely done.

    And Whall stole my NAMBLA joke, dammit.

    Avitable´s last blog post..Bullets, bracelets and breastesses

  7. Ren says:

    Genius!

    The LOLCats caption suggestions had me cracking up at McDonald’s this morning. I don’t know what that says about my disdain for LOLCats.

    Ren´s last blog post..Zombie Chicken II: The New Egg!

  8. I don’t know what to say other than what can be said using one of the most annoying chat acronyms on the planet – omgroflmao.

    The LOLCats are priceless.

    Sheila (Charm School Reject)´s last blog post..I Get Tired Just Reading About It

  9. Poppy says:

    Hysterical-hilarious. The culture sections were my favorite! And the click — had to do that out loud as I read it. 😀

  10. metalmom says:

    Hilarious!!!
    (But please let him go. He’s my go-to man!)

  11. B.E. Earl says:

    I always knew that Faiqa secretly was a terrorist.

    A cute-as-a-button terrorist, but a terrorist nonetheless. 😉

    B.E. Earl´s last blog post..Music Video Fridays – The White Stripes

  12. Raganator says:

    That was hilarious. One of my favorites, even without LOLcats.
    Nice job!

  13. marilyn says:

    I want to donate to your organization. Do you take Monopoly Money? It’d be sort of like robbing the capitalists.

    marilyn´s last blog post..WW: Soccer field near my house

  14. missbritt says:

    You win the guest poster contest. Hands down.

    Now, I want to see some of these LOLCats…

    missbritt´s last blog post..And next Dell will pat me on the behind and tell me to buy myself something pretty.

  15. martymankins says:

    Do I have to stop collecting the money now? Or can I use it for myself?
    (great blog post)

    martymankins´s last blog post..Scooter Sunday – Season 2 Ep. 04

  16. whall says:

    I just now realized I hadn’t commented on your guest post.

    This has now been corrected.

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