You know, I’ve worked hard in my life. I provide for my family, put in extra effort at work, and have even taken on second jobs here and there just to make sure my family doesn’t go without. I try to save and keep my impulse spending to a minimum, and we’re diligent on reducing debt instead of increasing it.
Like most people, I dream of making it big. Sometimes my daydreams take me to the day I win the lottery; sometimes it’s a big inheritance. I fantasize about inventing the next killer gadget and making millions, or becoming an Internet star. I think of all my debt being gone, being able to vacation anywhere anytime, and sharing my good fortune with family and friends.
I think to myself - if I just became rich, I’d be the coolest rich person on earth.
I’d be the rich eccentric friend who would pay for you to go on an all-expenses-paid cruise around the world, surprise you with lavish gifts and help you make your dreams come true. I might secretly “make things happen” for you behind the scenes. I might buy you a house or a plane or something huge. I’d want to be the kind of person where if I made it big, my close friends made it big with me.
But now?
(Read on for the rest of the story.)
Yeah. uh-huh. Dat’s right. All you suckers can go jump in the lake! I’M RICH! I’M RICH!!!!
I didn’t win the lottery, inherit millions or make some new gadget. But in this down economy, I was able to show initiative and invest my way to retirement! And YOU didn’t. YOU’RE a loser. I’M the awesome one here, and I’m off to Barbados or the Caymans or wherever the rich go to be lazy, dodge the suffocating US tax system and live it up. Just as soon as my check clears, I’ll have made it to where the ‘other half’ lives.
And now that I’m where I want to be, I don’t feel like being the coolest rich person on earth as other people would view it. I’m now just interested in myself and my family. Instead of taking all my friends on a cruise like I had dreamed before, instead I think I might print my own money with my own face on it and mail it to everyone just to rub it in!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA LOSERS.
Some of you might wonder what investment I’m making that gained me so much money. Since I’ve already acted on it, I figure it’s probably safe to share with you my secret. You’re probably kicking yourself right now for not acting on it yourself, and for that I laugh at you AGAIN.
Here’s what I received via email just last night. Click to embiggen.
It seems me and Mr. Joseph A. Pedro are gonna leave you suckers in the dust.
Toodle-loo! I probably won’t be blogging much since I’m not going to care much about anything but ME for the rest of my life. BYE!
Congratulations! Can you buy me that house like… RIGHT NOW? Sure it’s before the money actually comes in from your newfound fortune… but that’s what a mortgage is for!
Dave2´s last blog post..PC
Dave2 – YES, I CAN! I definitely have the money to buy you a house. Just email me your bank account info, ssn, DOB and I’ll deposit it as soon as it verifies! Also, be sure to pick out your FAVORITE house wherever you want – money is no object!
Good luck with that.
marilyn´s last blog post..Manic Monday: Shadow
marilyn – why, thank you, ma’am! Pedro says “gracias”
We’ll be right here when you come back (poor and disillusioned)
Dragon´s last blog post..Anadama Bread
Dragon – ah, I see. You expect me to squander my billions and come back to my original friends, thinking I’d have learned my lesson on backing out on my real friends. NOPE! I HAVE TOO MUCH MONEY TO SPEND IT ALL! BWHAHAHAHAHHALL!
And here I thought you had won big at a casino. Your Joseph Pedro has nothing on my Yemen C Goloshington who, from South Africa, promises me much more. I am waiting on my check now. When I get it, I will buy you and Dave2 those homes.
martymankins´s last blog post..Leader Of The Banned
martymankins – tell you what, don’t worry about your friend. I’ll buy the homes. I’ll give you the same deal I gave Dave2 – just follow the same instructions. And don’t skimp on the house! Buy whatever you want!
I’d love a new house, and now, please – now!
Actually, can you make it a house in the Carribean?
Sybil Law´s last blog post..Birthday!
Sybil Law – I think I have enough money to buy you two houses – see my reply to Dave2 on instructions on how to get it.
Gosh, I marvel at your good luck sometimes!
Geeky Tai-Tai´s last blog post..TequilaCon ‘09
Geeky – I know! isn’t it AMAZING!?!?!
You’ll still be at pool tonight, though, right? I mean being rich is one thing, but I know you value your billiards skill so much more….
Ren´s last blog post..CinnaMemorLie
Ren – No amount of money could take me away from our pool team. It fills me with such purpose, camaraderie, and spirit that it’s difficult to put a price on such value. However, I just remembered that money can buy women and drugs, so I cannot guarantee I’ll be there.
Umm….Wayne? Come here and take my hand….let’s go for a walk. I have some bad news for you.
BlondeBlogger´s last blog post..CF Rocks DC
BB – oooh, handholding. sweeeeet. PSSSST: did you know I’m rich?
How did you get to be so lucky. I have never had the pleasure of meeting a Joseph Pedro from South Africa offer me to do a nice business deal. They just want me to pump their gas….*sigh*
Jen – Mr. Pedro did not ask me to pump his gas. Hmm, maybe he has professional people to do it for him.
…and I’m not a sucker. *kicks*
Jen – you know you’d be taken care of if we left town *smiles*
but… but… he already promised ME the partnership!
DutchBitch´s last blog post..Age is a Bitch!
DutchBitch – He told me about you – something about international treaties with your country or something. He did mention that you sounded hot on the phone, though.
Remember that promise you made to me to share all your material wealth with me? I’m'a here to collect.
kapgar´s last blog post..Or else it gets the hose again…
kapgar – you know what’s cool about being filthy rich? Hiring lawyers to take care of all those pesky promises made in the past.
Man, I’ve been waiting for that email for forever. Some people just have all the luck.
Capricorn Cringe´s last blog post..Seeing is believing or Jo Anne would do it Part VI
Capricorn – someday your ship will come in. In the shape of a goat.
Does it say that I hold you in high regard when I tell you that until I saw Mr. Pedro’s e-mail, I completely believed you?
Faiqa´s last blog post..Wal Mart’s Battle in the Wilderness
Faiqa – yes it does, but it also makes me think of you as gullibler* than I thought.
* did you know I petitioned Webster’s and got gullibler added to the dictionary 2 years ago? It was a joint project between me and Lance Armstrong, also from Austin.
Don’t scare me like that! For a moment there, I thought you really were leaving– and that would be very sad because the Internet would not be the same without you.
Now, then…
I don’t need a house, or a cruise, or a new car, or a trip to Australia, or a yacht, or anything like that.
After I eat pizza for dinner tonight, we might be able to discuss the topic of liposuction, but even then I’d rather the world just tried to love ALL of me.
No, what I’d really like is my very own Whall clone.
You heard me.
Just think of the tech knowledge I could have at my fingertips. Hardware! Software! He could teach me Linux and Unix and Crispix and and Mueslix! I could send him to argue with my ISP, and I could get him to fix any weird computer stuff that ever happened. Maybe he could even build a time machine! How convenient!
Plus, if he wears a skimpy French maid outfit, I do have an awful lot of vacuuming that needs to get done.
Janna´s last blog post..I know you ordered fries with that, but here’s a blog post instead
Janna – my poor, dear Janna. don’t you know that I am simply a poor clone of you?
(re-posted as a reply)
If only that was true, I’d understand things like USB ports and cables and nanobytes and terabytes and pterodactyl-bytes.
And you would be writing symphonies and playing french horn and trying to do blog posts about the idiots at the drive-thru.
And you’d love hot peppers.
And I’d be Republican….
(!!!!)
Maybe you’re an evil-alternate-universe clone.
That would make sense.
Janna´s last blog post..I know you ordered fries with that, but here’s a blog post instead