Gary worked in a pickle factory. He inherited this gem of a job by being part of a legacy. His dad worked at that same pickle factory, the one his grandfather created from the ground up. You’d think the factory would be run by Gary, much the same way Gary thought that it should, but Gary had a problem.
He was a lousy pickle factory owner.
So was his dad. His dad just got the job because he was the owner/founder’s son, but the ways of safely and expertly putting pickles into jars all day were completely lost on him. To avoid bankruptcy, his dad hired an outside consulting firm to run operations, and just took a normal managerial job; one that wasn’t too demanding, didn’t require too many decisions, and most of all, didn’t involve too many pickles. This was a great decision because this helped the factory keep the doors open. It didn’t excel, but it didn’t close, and that made all the workers pretty happy.
Gary was a lot like his dad, which meant he wasn’t anything like his grandfather. This also meant the outside consulting firm maintained operational control of the company. Gary hated this. He had his own dreams. He loathed going to work at a factory he should have been running, he should have as a feather in his cap, he should be proud to declare his namesake.
The problems Gary had stemmed not from the process of placing contents into jars, cans, cannisters, containers or boxes, but rather that of the contents themselves. He couldn’t stand pickles. The smell, the texture, even the CRACK! sound when you bent one in half; it all raked his spine like someone injected gravel into one’s cartilege. The bumps annoyed him. The color disgusted him. Pickle juice made him squirm. Even the sound of the word itself… ewww.
He hated pickles.
This in itself isn’t too weird. There are a lot of people who don’t like pickles, and most people have at least one idiosyncrasy that helps define them. Gary, however, had two.
He loved fecal matter. As much as he hated pickles, THAT was how much he loved crap. It was disturbing how fascinated he was with #2. Dung was at the top of his list for what he needed for a fantastic time. If he had his druthers, he’d be examining guano, manure, cow pies and excrements of all shapes, sizes and smells. He knew poop had a lot more going for it than just being a good fertilizer.
His problem was what to do with this fancy of his. All he knew, professionally, was pickling.
So after a particularly successful session on the toilet, where he does his best thinking, Gary came up with the perfect business idea.
He’d start a new business. Surely there’s a market for people like him, who’d want their meadow muffins stored conveniently in a jar for safe keeping!
The motto of his new business would be
And, with that medow-muffin-laden post, I think that Whall has finally lost it for good.
Unless this is some kind of allegory where Gary is Wayne, the pickles are mainstream media, and the crap is FOX News. In which case I agree that the dung needs to be buried in the earth, never to be seen again, so that a new and better crop can feed off the worthless excrement and build us a better land.
Dave2´s last blog post..Sims3
Dave2 – did you happen to catch the Sean Hannity interviews of Rush Limbaugh? Yeah, me neither.
You are so full of shirt! I read that to the end of the roll!
metalmom´s last blog post..Grant is Cool
metalmom- no, I swear, it’s ALL TRUE!
Hmm… I really thought the pay-off would be better. Oh well.
Now I want a pickle!
Ren´s last blog post..New Burger: Elevation Burger
Ren – I almost pre-empted all the comments by ending with a PS that said “I really thought the payout would be better”.
That was not where I expected it to go. Hysterical! Yum… pickles….
bubblewench´s last blog post..Skywatch Friday
bubblewench – I’m interested to find out where you expected it to go. I’ve done a few of those “continue the story” posts where I start with a few paragraphs, and then the comments are supposed to carry the story along… but they haven’t gotten much traction.
It cracks me up. Probably from being in an very corporate enviornment, I expected the consulting firm to kick him out to force him find his dream to make him happy, or he lived the rest of his life out miserable OR went postal. The end. Wow. Glad I’m already in counseling!
bubblewench´s last blog post..Things change, even if you don’t notice them
And here I thought it was gonna be that old joke about the guy who kept obsessing about sticking (*ahem*) a certain body part in the pickle slicer.
One day he tells his therapist that he couldn’t resist the temptation any more and finally did it.
The therapist asked what happened.
The guy said “We both got fired.”
Janna´s last blog post..More from the Jannapedia
Janna – yeah, you won’t find jokes like that on ye olde blog of whall, at least, not in the posts. Maybe that’s what I’m missing. Because that joke is great. And so was the pickle slicer (so I’ve heard).
I LOVE pickles. Gary is an idiot!
Sybil Law´s last blog post..Headache
Sybil Law – yeah, I’m a big pickle fan too. Just give me a big fat juicy pickle and I’m good.