I was recently reading Dave’s “Enthusiasm” post, wherein he admits to the blogging community that he is, in fact, mortal.
By “mortal” I mean that he experiences ruts where the impetus to blog every single day is threatened by outside factors. Such as life. And the desire to have a semi-private blog (in that intimate personal details are not shared). That got me thinking. *I* have a life. *I* have a semi-private blog. *I* have a few cartoon monkey pictures on my blog.
It’s like we’re TWINS.
Anyways, I was feeling for my buddy Dave2. I wanted him to feel better. I wanted him to feel like things mattered. I wanted him to have a purpose again with his blogging.
Mainly, I wanted to call dibs on his artwork if he ever shuts down.
With this, I present to you, an Open Letter to Blogography
Hey bud. Don’t let the blog thing get you down. We all get the doldrums. The twitches. The “if I have to go click ‘new post’ ONE MORE TIME I’m gonna lose it” feeling.
That’s why we’re here. Yes, us. Your blog friends. We won’t let you down.
Hey! I gots an idea! You mentioned guest posting in your bag ‘o tricks.
You could set up a place where all sorts of people could write guest posts online and they’d be submitted into some “For Dave’s Eyes Only” queue. You would then read them, review, and rate them with a special Davometer Scale.
Then, whenever you feel like you don’t have enough to write about, you’d dive into the massive quantities of submissions, and sort them by your Davometer Readings.
Once you settled into the perfect post, the one that is worth not only everyone’s time but also the gracing of blogography.com, you’d proceed to rip it apart, make fun of it, caricature the author in an unflattering light and ruin their online careers!
BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE.
BILLY MAYS HERE. I DECIDED TO COME BACK FROM THE AFTERLIFE TO HOST AN AMAZING NEW REALITY BLOG SURVIVOR BACHELOR HOUSEWIVES APPRENTICE IDOL JON AND KATE SHOW THAT WILL ABSOLUTELY KNOCK YOUR SOCKS OFF. YOU WON’T BELIEVE THE TWISTS AND TURNS THAT HAPPEN WEEK-TO-WEEK SO MAKE SURE YOU TUNE IN, TURN ON AND BEHOLD THE AWESOME POWER OF THE DAVE AS HE PLAYS GOD WITH PEOPLE’S ONLINE LIVES!
You’d tell everyone in your blog post what you saw in each post, what you liked, what you didn’t like. You’d even pretend to care (bonus if you can pull off a British accent and work in phrases like “Good-bye” and “You’re fired” but I think those are taken, so maybe “You’re a bad monkayyyy…” with a little pointy finger while you crouch to the side).
However, all the while, the viewership knows somebody’s going to get punk’d and good. It’s like Pimp My Ride meets Death Race 2000, and you’re the mechanic, the warden and the loan shark all in one.
You’d put up their original guest post for people to see. Then you’d put up the “Dave-ized” version, with slick professional graphics, demeaning redlining and point out all the little problems with the post.
If that weren’t enough, you’d then subject the author’s future to a voting system. You’d set up an online tally where people would vote DAVE or BAD MONKEY. DAVE is good. BAD MONKEY is bad.
If the author received more BAD MONKEYs than DAVE’s, then you would ban them from your blog, and everyone else who reads your blog would have to abandon their blogs too (to fail to do so would subject all commenters from being banned themselves).
BUT WAIT. THERE’S MORE.
HERE’S THE TWIST. All commenters must submit a guest post entry each month to Dave2’s queue in order to be granted privileges to continue commenting. Therefore, one can’t join in the heckling and demeaning of another online human being unless they subject themselves to the same potential degradation.
It’s a WIN-WIN-WIN-LOSE SITUATION!
This idea is sooooo good, it earned not one, but FOUR “TOTALLY BITCHIN'” DAVE AWARDS
HERE’S HOW TO ORDER.