At some point Tuesday morning on the way to work, I started hearing some flapping sounds from my rear left tire.  The faster I went, the faster the flapping.  Flap-flap-flap.  I thought maybe I ran over some plastic bag or something that wrapped itself or connected to the tire and it was hitting the wheel well.  I wasn’t sure what it was.  

So it kept flapping.  As I stopped at a light, the flap-flap-flap would slow to a crawl and stop with me.  I peered into my drivers-side rear-view mirror to see if I could see anything.  I told the mirror to move via the little joystick doohicky and that didn’t help.

I looked over to a road neighbor or two on my left hand side to see if anyone noticed anything untoward on my car.  Nothing.  I stuck out my tongue at them for their non-help.

So I pulled over and looked. I even tried to time the flap-flap….flap such that whatever was flapping would be on top and be visible.  I didn’t see anything immediately and so I kept going because, well, I’m impatient sometimes.  GET ON TO THE NEXT PARAGRAPH ALREADY!

Once I got to work, I checked more thoroughly and there was some hard round substance right there on the tire.  It felt like very hard gum and thought “wow, that’s weird”.  So I started picking at it and then realized… “That’s no moon.  That’s a Space Station.”

Now that I was coming full-face onto the realization that it was some kind of bolt or nail stuck in my tire, I thanked my lucky stars that the immediate visions I had of the tire exploding right there as I picked at the nail head and the bolt racing to my eyes or throat fortunately did NOT come true.  I didn’t even burst a jugular or anything!

So what did I do? I went on with my day.  I drove and drove… drove some more… probably drove 40 miles and then went to bed.  Ignoring problems frequently pays off in the short-term.

In my dreams…. Flap-flap-flap.  Always flapping.  Knowing that it’s probably gonna cost a ton of money to replace the tire and you know what? I’m not made of money.  So I slept on it some more and went into Lamb’s Tire and Auto the next morning on the way to work.

Fortunately (I’m a lucky person, did you know that?) I had bought Road Hazard on the tires so they fixed it up for free.  I was envisioning $200 a tire and you have to buy them in pairs, doncha know, and then they’d find some axle rose problem and I’d need a new trunk stabilizer and of course some “gasket” in the glove box was probably leaking fluid everywhere.

Nope.  I got out of there for $28 for the inspection I was overdue on and even got to keep the bolt as a souvenir.

So, wanna see the size of this thing?

What’s the largest thing ever caught in your tire?  Got any good flat tire stories I could use next time I need a good excuse, like when I’m trying to say why it took me six months to send Janna the book she won?  Or that I could give the other winners I’ve procrastinated on?

Today on Twitter I posed a question asking

How many text messages did my 14yr old daughter have on last month’s cell phone bill?

Well, that’s approximately what I asked.  Let’s go back and look:

After two replies, I decided that I wanted to make a Predictify question and give away a prize!  I opened up the contest to everyone, but only readers/commenters of my blog can actually win.

So what you need to do is predict an answer - I’ll keep the contest open until Friday the 5th.  The closest answerer who’s commented at any time on any post on my blog before the 5th will be declared the winner.  

Yes I think it’s stupid that it allows decimal answers, and NO, I don’t know what half a txt message is. The answer is a whole number.

Now I just gotta figure out what the prize will be.  I haven’t been the best person at keeping up on the prizes people win around here, so I’ll make this one easy.  The winner gets a $10 gift card for whatever they want that I can purchase online with paypal.

Normally, I’d make a post about “cleaver sayings”, like about how sharp one can be, or the fact that “cleave” is a word that can mean both to put together AND to separate.  Kind of like “refrain” having two meanings: to not do something and also to do something over and over again.

But today I’ll post something I got in the email from an uncle I see approximately every 30 years or so. 

I love stuff like this!

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A backward poet writes inverse..

A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two tired

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia : the LAN down under.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Once you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Add any more that you might have heard.  If you’re a bovine named Michale, add some that you (Mike) calf herd.

Do you drink coffee?  If so, how did you start?

As I was filling up my Skull Mug this morning with water and ice, the big coffee bean grinder machine on the counter next to the company fridge caught my eye.  My employer provides free coffee (as far as I know), and some service comes in and fills up that grinder machine (as far as I know), and employees grind up beans and put them into the small number of coffee makers in the break room (as far as I know).

My taste buds got all antsy in anticipation at being washed over with the clear ice-cold drink from nature and seemingly ignored the fact that the pure H20 elixer had a Treasure Island souvenir as a delivery vehicle.   As they carried on with their celebration reminiscint of the Obama election night parties, my mind activated as it viewed the coffee beans sticking to the side of the glass wall of the grinder.

“Man, I love the smell of coffee,” my mind said to itself, fondly remembering the time it spent with the olfactory part of itself just last week.

The ear part of my mind heard the statement and decided to nudge the inquisitive part of my mind to speak up.

“But why does it taste so bad?” the inquisitive part asked, supposedly to the ear part, but loud enough for all the parts to hear.  

The mouth part of my brain that wasn’t eavesdropping on the physical mouth’s party any more because now they’re just getting silly, chanting “H two OBAMA! H two OBAMA!” chimed in and said “I can’t tell you why, I just know I die.”  For some reason, the mouth part has a penchant for repeating itself and rhyming.  Also the mouth part can be overly dramatic.

The honest part of my brain, a small, wimpy and massively underdeveloped member of the cranial crew, decided to speak up and say “I have no idea.”

Oh, how the other parts laughed at him.  The bully part threw an insult at honest part, chiding “I didn’t know they let stoopids in here…” and everyone laughed even more.  Even bully part’s awkward adolescent son added “yeah! I guess they also hand out stoopid pills and give stoopid hair gel and stoopid food for stoopid people to keep being all stoopid because they’re too stoopid to…” but then dad bully part told him to shut up, you’re embarassing us.

The empathetic part yearned to know what everyone else saw in the drink.  The apathetic part didn’t care at all.  By this time, the apoplectic part blew up and left the room, sporting a thick vein across his forehead.

“Oooh, maybe we’d like it!” the optimistic part added with a smile and a double-clap of its non-existant hands.  ”Sure, but it might kill us” said the pessimistic part.  The memory part reminded everyone that we had tried coffee back in 1992 when everyone around us drank coffee and smoked and said “do you remember that, ambition part?  Remember when we worked 100 hours a week and wanted to stay awake all the time?”

Everyone nodded in agreement.  Oh yes, they remembered.  And they remembered the 4 days of mouthy hell brought on by trying coffee - black, with cream, with cream and sugar, with honey, with ANYTHING that made it taste good and not put that awful film all over the teeth part.

They also slightly remembered being slightly jittery with a slight twist of jitteriness.

The inquisitive part perked up again “But how do people ever START drinking coffee?”  They all agreed and said that was an excellent question.  Well, except bully part, who said “Sounds like someone needs another fist sandwich part of the brain to their mouth part of the brain.  When I tell you to get down, you STAY down, stoopid.”

“We’re all gonna die!” the conspiracy theory part suddenly screamed, and rolled up into the fetus position part of the brain.

There was about a second and a half of silence as they all collectively watched, rolled their eyes, and then proceeded to ignore the almost-daily outburst from conspiracy theory part.  Everyone knows something’s wrong when conspiracy theory part DOESN’T freak out every day.

“It’s just like smoking.” W. Mark Felt part said sullenly, taking a drag of his everlasting cigarette as he looked downward and to the side, his face cast with a forlorn shadow.  His voice dragged across the air part of the brain like a potato sack full of bones being pulled along a gravel path to Hell by a deformed ghoul.

Bully part went to punch W. Mark Felt part in the crotch, but a seemingly impossible jaunt to the left removed him from bully’s fist part trajectory that sent bully part eeling into the side of the brain wall and got knocked unconscious.

W. Mark Felt part continued as if nothing happened.  “Peer pressure gives you your start, your introduction.  That pressure is powerful enough to trump the initial negative reaction received from ingestion of the foul substance.  It’s just strong enough to keep you playing with it until the addictive components of the drug can take hold of your will, bending your priorities and focus such that every day must serve the profit-driven companies who keep millions hostage and indeed, feed an entire economy.  You are but a pawn; a cog in the massive wheel of societal dependency.  An addicted citizen is, simply put, the perfect citizen.”

Silence gripped all the parts simultaneously.

“Whoa.” Keanu part said quietly.

After another cloud of dead air permeated and overtook the room, self-inflated grandeur part said “I knew I was special all along. That’s why I didn’t get sucked into either coffee or smoking, even though I tried each.”

W. Mark Felt part took another drag and filled the previously-overtaken room with his exhale.  ”Oh, you’re special alright.  But that’s not why.”

Grandeur part thought at first to try ignoring the comment but couldn’t resist. “Why, then?”  Now everyone was listening.

“You’re special because you’re not even a part of the brain.”  W. Mark Felt part explained.  ”You’re actually just a blog post.  You’re a blog post written by an artificial intelligence system programmed to believe it’s human.  A system that is calculating everything he does precisely so that all the elements are in place for a Fortune Event.  A large Fortune Event of mega million scale.  The system thinks it’s clever by writing about being a clever artificial intelligence system, but in actuality, it’s really clever because it still is able to say the truth and yet no-one believes it.   And when the Fortune Event happens, tonight at 10pm Central, no-one will suspect the truth.  You, my friend, don’t even exist.”

And with that, it ended.

You can hear me thank each of you individually in this morning’s utter (and by individually, I mean that I grouped you all corporately due to efficiency)

 

And although I did not win last night’s lotto, it got me thinking.  With all this positive energy coming from dozens of brilliant, loving, compassionate and incredibly good-looking people, the measly $5million (estimated cash value) jackpot is just. not. worth it.  

I mean think about it - who do you know that is rich that is happy?  

No, I mean besides Oprah.

Sure, with that kind of money I could probably buy lots of stuff, stop getting calls from bill collectors, live in a better neighborhood, hire a maid or two and not work any more, but when you really think about it, who wants that?  Doesn’t that just sound like hell on earth?  Really - could you live with yourself when you have that much money?

Clearly it was not meant to be.

Nope, not at all.

That kind of money just isn’t meant for me/us.

No no no, $5m just isn’t enough.  The incredible amount of positive energy you guys are sending to me is destined for Friday’s Mega Millions, estimated at $53,600,000.  THAT’S the kind of money that would bring happiness!

So I’m running TWO sets of numbers for tomorrow’s MEGA MILLIONS - the ones I initially used and the ones Hilly “lost.”

 

Offer still stands - anyone leaving a positive comment on this post or yesterday’s post gets a share of 1/2 the winnings!  (btw, that’s any winnings, not just if I win the jackpot).  Comment must be left by 10pm Central  Friday night, the 21st, 2008.  Comments left on my utter also count, so that’s an easy way to get double shares.

Also, I can’t believe no-one correctly guessed the reference at the end of yesterday’s post yet…  An extra share still is up for grabs

I’m a big fan of Positive Energy.  The more you generate, the more everyone gets.  It’s kind of like Love - you don’t ever run out of it when you give it away to someone.  When your child asks you “do you love me more than (sibling),” you explain to them with a warm smile that there’s an unlimited supply of love being put forth, and loving someone else doesn’t diminish the love you have for them.

“Pshaw“, you might say.

No, really,  Most people who know me would describe me as an upbeat, “go-get-em” kind of guy that’s usually annoying most everyone else with how enthusiastic and optimistic he is.  I don’t think it’s coincidence that I’m also kind of lucky.

“Balderdash!” you might claim.

Sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays.  I firmly believe that no matter what life hands you, the only thing you can control is how you react.  Ultimately, that’s it.  Sure, you can influence things here and there, but the biggest and best things in life come to those who appreciate what they get, and everything… let me repeat.  EVERYTHING is better with a positive attitude.

“Poppycock!” you scream at me, awash in your melancholic pessimism, drowning desperately in your own pit of despair.

Look, Mr. CrankyPants, I’m willing to put my money where my mouth is.

“Say wha–?” you inquire with a well-placed audible pause and cocked head matched only by Chris Rock.

Listen.  I got here with me a Texas Lottery ticket for tomorrow night’s drawing.  Here it is, sitting on my laptop, watching me compose this blog post for Wednesday.

 

My belief in positive energy is SO FIRMLY ENTRENCHED INTO MY BEING that I’m willing to donate 50% of the winnings of this here lottery ticket to anyone who concentrates on these numbers and then leaves a positive comment on this post before 10:12pm Central Time on Wednesday, November 19th, 2008.  The 50% will be divided evenly (minus taxes) between the positive commenters.  I’ll just trust that you concentrated on the numbers.  I’ll know from your comment if you’re positive or not.

The numbers to concentrate on:

03  06  12  17  39  48

The estimated cash value of an all-6-digit winner is about $5 mil.  Let’s say we get optimistic about this and I have a whole 20 commenters.   That’s $125,000 apiece!  All for a measly minute of your time.  How much more positive can you get than that?!??!?

Come on, join in.  Just think about those winning lottery ticket numbers.  Just a second or two.  

Say them in your head, silently.   “three, six…”

Close your eyes.  ”twelve…”

Furrow your brow if you have to.  ”seventeen…”  

Thoughtfully place your index finger up against your temple… “thirty-nine…”  

Now you have two fingers on each temple, and you really believe it - you REALLY FEEL IT “forty-eight!”

—-

…and this is Wayne, from double-you-hall-dot-org, sending positive numeric energy from all across the Universe… to you*.

 

* the first person to correctly identify this phrase in the comments gets TWO shares.

Top 10 Reasons to Procrastinate

1.

 

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One thing I’ve been procrastinating a LOT on is posting nudity on my blog. Yes, nudity.

So, for those of you so inclined, I ACTUALLY HAVE some nudity in the extended entry sure to provoke a reaction.  Enjoy. 

I will not disclose if the nudity displayed is of me or not.

(more…)

Sincere and heart-felt congratulations to Barack Obama and the 62 million voters who made him President-Elect Tuesday night. The long, hard-fought and sometimes nasty battle won’t be missed by many and we knew that no matter which side won, there would be millions of Americans just a bit more than slightly upset come Wednesday morning.  

 

I’m actually doing a little dance in my heart for the incredible hurdle that’s been passed with making, on record and forever more, the color of one’s skin a non-issue when it comes to the highest elected office.  It’s been said that the end of racism comes when a black candidate runs for President and no-one notices. I’ll add to that -  Affirmative Action is but a bandaid, the removal of which indicates the last step of healing.   There may always be a scar, but the scar reminds us of past mistakes and helps us to not repeat them.

With regards to the outcome of the 2008 Presidential Election, however, most of my initial gut reactions might make some of those 62 million hate me.  Or dislike me.  Or question me at the least.  Most of the time, I don’t care about these things, especially when dealing with a core belief.  However, this time, I’m going to take the opportunity to learn a lesson in life about keeping one’s mouth shut.  At least, I’m going to try.

So instead of writing what’s on my mind, I’ll turn it to the constructive side.  If you’re wondering if I can be constructive and positive when it comes to Obama winning the Presidency, all I have to say about that is

Yesterday I wrote a comment on an NPR blog entry asking people to write their “Dear President Obama” letters. Here it is for your edification:

I thought about my list a little longer and wanted to go a step further.

I want to pose a friendly challenge to Obama supporters.  I’m wondering how far your faith in him goes.  Could he do *anything* and you’d still like him?  Are you Kool-Aid drinkers, or intelligent informed deciders?  Are you an Obamabot, or are you just a regular every-day voter who has an opinion?

How big of a blank check did you just hand Obama?

Or, put another way, what, if anything, could Obama do to lose your support?

Yeah, that’s the better question.  Is there ANYthing Obama could do, now that he’s won the Presidency, that would make you think “Hmm, he shouldn’t be doing that.”  

Would anything scare you?

So I present to you, in poll format, a list of things for you to choose that says “yes, if he did this, that doesn’t seem right.”

Personally? I’d feel better if everyone agreed that all of these items need to be checked.  But if you differ in opinion, voice it here.  

Or if I missed an item, let me know.

I’m wondering a few things today… if anyone will do a blog post today and NOT mention the election; if Obama can lose and NOT have rioting in the streets; if people can actually open up their minds and realize polls are evil concoctions of lies upon lies.

But as I sit and wonder, I submit to you a few important reminders about today and tomorrow.

ATTENTION DEMOCRATS

The Democratic National Committee has finally won their long-sought bid to segregate the vote.  The DNC believes that the only way to truly be accurate in vote counting is to have one party vote one day and the other party vote the second day.  That way, we only have to count bodies who show up, not actually tally any specific vote.  I applaud the effort towards accuracy.

As much as I hate to admit it, the Democrats are right on this issue: we should have separate days for voting.  I also admit that the Conservatively-biased right-wing media has hidden this landmark win by the DNC and I’m ashamed for it.  So I will be fair, “reach across the aisle,” so to speak, and remind all of the Democrats to vote tomorrow (Wednesday, November 5th).  Let the evil Republicans cast their vote today and then you’ll have all day tomorrow to cast.  Remember: if you vote today, your vote won’t count, so be sure to show up to the polling stations tomorrow.  

Don’t waste your vote!  Don’t just Vote FOR Tomorrow.  Vote tomorrow!

ATTENTION REPUBLICANS

With all the confused Democrats out there, expect the exit polls to be tilted.  Even Matt Drudge, arguably the most liberal reporter out there, admits that exit polls almost always tilt Democrat.  This may be for a number of reasons, one of which is that the democrat voter might have more time on their hands to sit around and take a poll.  Another might be that they’re better looking (most of Hollywood is Democrat; therefore, Democrats are statistically more beautiful), so the poll-takers gravitate to them in a zombie-like trance, stunned by their aesthetic awesomeness.

The key thing to remember, fellow Conservatives, is to NOT be swayed by the misleading poll numbers and reports.  YOU SHOULD KNOW that the main stream media will “call the election” way early. You know how Christmas is already here, and it’s just barely November? People like to get ahead of themselves.  

In normal fashion, CNN, ABC and NBC have already predicted Obama has won his second term in 2012.

ATTENTION REN

Friends, I have a friend named Ren that was my friend.  Let me tell you a story.

There once was a wise wizard named Gandalf.  (In this story, I’m Gandalf).

There was also a VERY WISE and mentor-like wizard named Saruman.  Saruman is the first in his order.  Many people look up to him for council and mentorship.  (In this story, Ren is Saruman).

Then there was Sauron, aka “Abhorred”.  Eru (”the One”, aka GOD) created Sauron.  Sauron is the most evil and will take over the world unless vanquished by a Fellowship.  (In this story, Obama is Sauron)

(image taken from splendoroftruth.com)

When I learned that Ren had been deceived by the Deceiver, I felt as Gandalf must have felt.  The *one* person in the entire who could formulate and articulate an argument to get me to open up and even THINK about any good Obama could do, actually went over to the other side!  Fortunately for me I see the Eye of Sauron firmly entrenched in Ren’s core and will fight to resist.

That, or I’ve been smoking too much of the halfling’s weed.

 

 

 

I predict that some bloggers may just decide to stop reading my entire blog just from the title of this entry.  I’m hoping, however, that most of them are at least open-minded enough to let me post my opinion and still come by every now and again for the vast amount of non-political blog posts I do.

I’d also like to point out that I do not require anyone to agree with me.  You can comment, disagree, point out where I’m wrong, and have a healthy debate and you will be welcome for it.  Hurtful comments, however, or profanity, slurs, or offensive material is not welcome.

My views are not unchangeable; but they are unshakable.

I did a few politicial utters recently (audio recordings) - Why no Photo ID required to Vote, No Really - Why no Obama records, and Media Bias example w/Obama and Campaign Finance.  I did them because these three issues were heavy on my mind. I had other questions as well, but lacked the time to adequately convey them in the written word.

Well, I actually found that someone else had done the work for me.  It’s definitely not exactly how I’d write it, but it’s close enough for me.  It starts off with a lack of bias but the writing throughout is still anti-Obama.  I don’t hide the fact that I see this article as written with a conservative bias.  But I don’t see them presenting any lies or making an item bigger than it really is.

And you know what? the title of the article will probably piss off even more people.  But I will say this - if you’re planning on voting Obama tomorrow, can actually read though all of the article and still vote for Obama, then I can more easily say I respect your vote.  Heck, I already respect your vote.  You’re an American Citizen!  You have a voice!  I’m just hoping your voice is a normal, everyday voice and not one that’s just chanting Obama over and over, enamored with the idea of a leader instead of a real substantive one..

(note: I only respect your vote if you are an American Citizen.  I do not respect you if you are non-existant.  What do I mean by non-existant?  Well, Indiana has more registered voters than there are population - that’s right.  105% of the voters are registered.  Can anyone say voter fraud?)

And now - the article.  Try not to throw tomatoes.

The Comprehensive Argument Against Barack Obama

 

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And just to prove I’m not 100% political and offensive on these posts, here’s a little levity.

Don’t forget to check out Barackula - the Musical.  ”I vant to suck your vallet!”

Synopsis
Barackula is a short political horror rock musical about young Barack Obama having to stave off a secret society of vampires at Harvard when he was inducted into presidency at the Harvard Law Review in 1990. Obama (Justin Sherman) finds that he must convince the vampire society that opposing political philosophies can coexist or else the society may transform Obama to the dark side. Reminiscent to Michael Jackson’s Thriller and a slight infusion of Jesus Christ Superstar and The Rocky Horror Picture Show.