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Hi, This is Wayne. This is my site, my stuff, my blog, blahblahblah. The site itself is powered by WordPress and the Scary Little theme. I thought it was cool, and I still do.

I have an idea for a killer new TV show sure to sweep all the Grammys, Emmys, Tonys, Awardies and Buzzies.

It’s called

So You Think You Can Survive Watching American Idol With the Stars of Jersey Shore?

It’s new!

It’s exciting!

It does the same thing every other mass-produced show or movie does — plagiarizes someone else’s idea while adding something 1% unique.

But this time, it’s different.  THIS show is at least 4.5% unique.

The idea:

Six random contestants are selected each week.  They are placed in a decked out TV media room with plush recliners – you know, the ones with drink holders and power recliner footrests – and are provided unlimited drinks and superb catering.  The electronics are insane – a massive  HD TV, immersive 7.1 digital sound and a button in their chair to get a refill on their tasty beverage of choice.  The chairs even have mini subwoofers embedded in them for even more skin-grabbing bass.

The challenge?  Each contestant must endure watching American Idol each week with a different cast member from Jersey Shore.  One week it’s Snooki, then Pauly D, then JWoww… and maybe throw in one of the people “behind” the camera, like a grip or producer or something.

Sound simple?  Sound easy?  OF COURSE IT’S NOT SIMPLE OR EASY.  The contestants and the Jersey Shore cast member must actually spend THE ENTIRE WEEK in the same room, with the previous week’s American Idol episode on CONSTANT REPEAT.  There’s only unlimited drinks, unlimited food, a restroom, a treadmill, and 24×7 cameras.

No phones, no computers, no outside communication whatsoever.

The TV screen is actually embedded into the wall, is bullet-proof and completely protected.  It cannot be turned off.  It cannot be turned down.  It cannot be covered up.

The food is chef-prepared, succulent and probably the best food the contestants have ever had.

At the end of each day, contestants are given a 10-question test.  The questions come from three areas: the American Idol show, commercials, and what they know of each of the other candidates.  Each correct answer gives them one additional “vote”.  At the end of the test they’re able to apply each of their votes to “vote off” another contestant.  They can apply all votes to one person or distribute them however they wish.  The contestant with the most votes against them doesn’t return the next day.

There will be many surprises each day.  Contestants may be granted extra votes for various reasons.  There may be a bonus question worth extra votes.  At random times through the week, mini-challenges may show up on the TV that grant votes (who can be quiet the longest, who can do the most pushups, who has used the treadmill the longest, who can go the longest without eating).  The challenges that come up won’t be announced with any sound but will just appear on the TV.

There are no showers.  The contestants are allowed to bring toothbrush, toothpaste and one change of clothes.

The prize for the last remaining contestant will be a similar setup for their home – an ultimate multimedia room with onsite maid, butler and chef for one year, and one of each item advertised in the commercials.

Now it’s your turn — what else would you add or modify to this up and coming reality show hit?

Honestly, I think it’s the best idea since Star Wars Search with Ed McLightsaberPants(In my opinion, that show got a LOT better when Mace Windu took over and always started the show bringing down a Sith Assassin and crying out “I’m TIRED of all these motherfracking Sith in the motherfracking Senate!”)

I bet you thought I meant DM as in “Direct Message” didn’t you?

direct-message

No.

I mean Demitri Martin.

I’ve really come to love more and more things on my iPhone and one of the most recent ones is the AOL Radio app.  AOL Radio is like XM or Sirius or a radio station but goes over this magical thing I like to call “the Internet.”  It streams in different stations, like Rock, Pop, All Beatles, Sports, Talk, Politics, Country, or whatever has a station.  There are millions of stations (sort of). 

There are a couple of stations in my AOL Radio “favorites” list that are Comedy specific – AOL Comedy Classics and AOL Comedy Attack!

aol-radio

Now, Faiqa, Avitable and you other liberals, please don’t get all freaked out about the AOL Progressive channel. It’s *not* what you think it is.

Here are some videos for your enjoy to see if Demitri is up your alley or not.  I’m giving you two options because you might be busy and want a shorter one.

(and yes, the 2nd one has a couple bad words in it, and has a couple repeat jokes from the first one.  I consider this the extent of my responsibility in warning you since my blog is PG-13 rated.)

August
21
2009
12:05 pm
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You know how yesterday I came up with a neat little blog post title that essentially said what I was thinking?  That was fun.

I think I’ve finally “made it” in blogging when I don’t blog for an entire week (coincidentally after blogging and parodying Dave2 taking a break) and I still get comments on the first post I come up with.  I never would have imagined that response when I started blogging four years ago.  Yes, I have a blogiversary going on too (I call them whalliversaries).  What I’m trying to say, but failing, is that I’m very appreciative of what my blog gives me in terms of community, an outlet for creativity, and a stroking of my very needy ego.

So, thank you.

I’m going to splurge a little on my lazy trend and give you, in the extended entry, the contents of an email I received that I thought worth the time to read.  I LOL’ed a few times.

Let me know if you agree.

Or not.  You can be lazy too.

(more…)

August
10
2009
12:30 pm
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Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.

If you give her sperm, she’ll give you a baby.

If you give her a house, she’ll give you a home.

If you give her groceries, she’ll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she’ll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

So, if you’re wise at all, don’t give her any crap

 

Received in email today, and slightly modified by me.

June
5
2009
1:48 pm
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Gary worked in a pickle factory.  He inherited this gem of a job by being part of a legacy.  His dad worked at that same pickle factory, the one his grandfather created from the ground up.  You’d think the factory would be run by Gary, much the same way Gary thought that it should, but Gary had a problem.

He was a lousy pickle factory owner. 

So was his dad.  His dad just got the job because he was the owner/founder’s son, but the ways of safely and expertly putting pickles into jars all day were completely lost on him.  To avoid bankruptcy, his dad hired an outside consulting firm to run operations, and just took a normal managerial job; one that wasn’t too demanding, didn’t require too many decisions, and most of all, didn’t involve too many pickles.  This was a great decision because this helped the factory keep the doors open.  It didn’t excel, but it didn’t close, and that made all the workers pretty happy.

Gary was a lot like his dad, which meant he wasn’t anything like his grandfather.  This also meant the outside consulting firm maintained operational control of the company.  Gary hated this.  He had his own dreams.  He loathed going to work at a factory he should have been running, he should have as a feather in his cap, he should be proud to declare his namesake.

The problems Gary had stemmed not from the process of placing contents into jars, cans, cannisters, containers or boxes, but rather that of the contents themselves.  He couldn’t stand pickles.  The smell, the texture, even the CRACK! sound when you bent one in half; it all raked his spine like someone injected gravel into one’s cartilege.  The bumps annoyed him.  The color disgusted him.  Pickle juice made him squirm.  Even the sound of the word itself… ewww.

He hated pickles.

This in itself isn’t too weird.  There are a lot of people who don’t like pickles, and most people have at least one idiosyncrasy that helps define them.  Gary, however, had two.

He loved fecal matter.  As much as he hated pickles, THAT was how much he loved crap.  It was disturbing how fascinated he was with #2.  Dung was at the top of his list for what he needed for a fantastic time.  If he had his druthers, he’d be examining guano, manure, cow pies and excrements of all shapes, sizes and smells.  He knew poop had a lot more going for it than just being a good fertilizer.

His problem was what to do with this fancy of his.  All he knew, professionally, was pickling.

So after a particularly successful session on the toilet, where he does his best thinking, Gary came up with the perfect business idea. 

He’d start a new business.  Surely there’s a market for people like him, who’d want their meadow muffins stored conveniently in a jar for safe keeping!

The motto of his new business would be

May
28
2009
11:31 pm
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Today I decided to do some of those “stumper” questions on Jaden.  It’s how I teach my kids valuable lessons, like I did with Caitlin and the word “gullible”.

Play along!

Me: Hey Jaden, what color was George Washington’s white horse?

Jaden: I don’t know. What?

Me (repeating with emphasis): What color was George Washington’s WHITE horse?

Jaden (smiling): Oh, White!

Me: Good job.  What do you put into a toaster?

Jaden (thinking): Toast!

Me: No, you get toast out of a toaster.  You put bread in a toaster.

Jaden: Oh… (smiles again)

Me: What do cows drink?

Jaden: Uh, milk!

Me: No, you get milk out of cows.  Cows drink water.

Jaden (pauses): Baby cows drink milk…

Me: (stumped)

Dangit.  I hate losing this game.

You know, I’ve worked hard in my life.  I provide for my family, put in extra effort at work, and have even taken on second jobs here and there just to make sure my family doesn’t go without.  I try to save and keep my impulse spending to a minimum, and we’re diligent on reducing debt instead of increasing it.

Like most people, I dream of making it big.  Sometimes my daydreams take me to the day I win the lottery; sometimes it’s a big inheritance.  I fantasize about inventing the next killer gadget and making millions, or becoming an Internet star.  I think of all my debt being gone, being able to vacation anywhere anytime, and sharing my good fortune with family and friends.

I think to myself – if I just became rich, I’d be the coolest rich person on earth.

I’d be the rich eccentric friend who would pay for you to go on an all-expenses-paid cruise around the world, surprise you with lavish gifts and help you make your dreams come true.  I might secretly “make things happen” for you behind the scenes.   I might buy you a house or a plane or something huge.  I’d want to be the kind of person where if I made it big, my close friends made it big with me.

But now?

(Read on for the rest of the story.)

(more…)

May
14
2009
12:01 am
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Oh my goodness, I’m inside the inner workings of whall.org!  I am sooooooo geeked out right now!!! w00000t!

Poppy here.  I made a video for Wayne. It’s really for Wayne, just Wayne, to make him laugh. I understand if it was too “artistic” (read: weird) for the rest of the world.

In the video I address the fact that I don’t actually know where he is right now, since he seems to actually still be here but not posting, and that’s kinda not important.  What is important is that he is awesome and deserves a tribute-like video, akin to a little sister looking up to a big brother by making a sappy speech in front of a room full of people at his wedding. (or something.)

So, here’s the video. I hope you enjoy in its eccentricity:

Whalljacked from Poppy Cede on Vimeo.

April
12
2009
8:54 am
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keester

Ok, well Happy Keester, too.

December
16
2008
1:38 pm
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I’m on vacation this week.  

I didn’t originally think I’d be on vacation from the blog, too, but now that I realize the resort’s wifi is only available near the main activities center, and my AT&T Internet card is only 2G (which means “better than dialup, but still slow”), blogging might make too much of an impact on the vacation.  So while my twitter and utterz will probably stay on par as far as publishing pattern goes, it might get a little stale around here.

Then again, sometimes I don’t handle my blogging addiction as well as I *say* I will, so who knows.  I might write 3 more blog entries later today!  

Fortunately, I do a lot of blog READING and COMMENTING from my blackberry, which is not impaired in any way.  So, if I don’t comment on your blog, it’s probably because you’re too boring for me to bother during my vacation.

Haha, Ahm so funneh.

OH HEY!?  Have you tried MAD GAB game yet?  It’s AWESOME.  Look for it.  We got it as an early XMAS gift from a relative and it’s perfect for me.

Just so you’re not left empty-handed today, however, I’m leaving you the dog and cat diaries.

DOG DIARY

8:00 am – Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am – A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am – A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am – Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 PM – Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM – Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM – Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM – Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM – Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM – Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM – Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

CAT DIARY

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of.

However, they merely made condescending comments about what a ‘good little hunter’ I am.

Bastards! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of ‘allergies.

I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow — but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released — and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

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