It’s called

So You Think You Can Survive Watching American Idol With the Stars of Jersey Shore?

It’s new!

It’s exciting!

It does the same thing every other mass-produced show or movie does — plagiarizes someone else’s idea while adding something 1% unique.

But this time, it’s different.  THIS show is at least 4.5% unique.

The idea:

Six random contestants are selected each week.  They are placed in a decked out TV media room with plush recliners – you know, the ones with drink holders and power recliner footrests – and are provided unlimited drinks and superb catering.  The electronics are insane – a massive  HD TV, immersive 7.1 digital sound and a button in their chair to get a refill on their tasty beverage of choice.  The chairs even have mini subwoofers embedded in them for even more skin-grabbing bass.

The challenge?  Each contestant must endure watching American Idol each week with a different cast member from Jersey Shore.  One week it’s Snooki, then Pauly D, then JWoww… and maybe throw in one of the people “behind” the camera, like a grip or producer or something.

Sound simple?  Sound easy?  OF COURSE IT’S NOT SIMPLE OR EASY.  The contestants and the Jersey Shore cast member must actually spend THE ENTIRE WEEK in the same room, with the previous week’s American Idol episode on CONSTANT REPEAT.  There’s only unlimited drinks, unlimited food, a restroom, a treadmill, and 24×7 cameras.

No phones, no computers, no outside communication whatsoever.

The TV screen is actually embedded into the wall, is bullet-proof and completely protected.  It cannot be turned off.  It cannot be turned down.  It cannot be covered up.

The food is chef-prepared, succulent and probably the best food the contestants have ever had.

At the end of each day, contestants are given a 10-question test.  The questions come from three areas: the American Idol show, commercials, and what they know of each of the other candidates.  Each correct answer gives them one additional “vote”.  At the end of the test they’re able to apply each of their votes to “vote off” another contestant.  They can apply all votes to one person or distribute them however they wish.  The contestant with the most votes against them doesn’t return the next day.

There will be many surprises each day.  Contestants may be granted extra votes for various reasons.  There may be a bonus question worth extra votes.  At random times through the week, mini-challenges may show up on the TV that grant votes (who can be quiet the longest, who can do the most pushups, who has used the treadmill the longest, who can go the longest without eating).  The challenges that come up won’t be announced with any sound but will just appear on the TV.

There are no showers.  The contestants are allowed to bring toothbrush, toothpaste and one change of clothes.

The prize for the last remaining contestant will be a similar setup for their home – an ultimate multimedia room with onsite maid, butler and chef for one year, and one of each item advertised in the commercials.

Now it’s your turn — what else would you add or modify to this up and coming reality show hit?

Honestly, I think it’s the best idea since Star Wars Search with Ed McLightsaberPants.  (In my opinion, that show got a LOT better when Mace Windu took over and always started the show bringing down a Sith Assassin and crying out “I’m TIRED of all these motherfracking Sith in the motherfracking Senate!”)

No.

I mean Demitri Martin.

I’ve really come to love more and more things on my iPhone and one of the most recent ones is the AOL Radio app.  AOL Radio is like XM or Sirius or a radio station but goes over this magical thing I like to call “the Internet.”  It streams in different stations, like Rock, Pop, All Beatles, Sports, Talk, Politics, Country, or whatever has a station.  There are millions of stations (sort of). 

There are a couple of stations in my AOL Radio “favorites” list that are Comedy specific – AOL Comedy Classics and AOL Comedy Attack!

Now, Faiqa, Avitable and you other liberals, please don’t get all freaked out about the AOL Progressive channel. It’s *not* what you think it is.

Here are some videos for your enjoy to see if Demitri is up your alley or not.  I’m giving you two options because you might be busy and want a shorter one.

(and yes, the 2nd one has a couple bad words in it, and has a couple repeat jokes from the first one.  I consider this the extent of my responsibility in warning you since my blog is PG-13 rated.)

I think I’ve finally “made it” in blogging when I don’t blog for an entire week (coincidentally after blogging and parodying Dave2 taking a break) and I still get comments on the first post I come up with.  I never would have imagined that response when I started blogging four years ago.  Yes, I have a blogiversary going on too (I call them whalliversaries).  What I’m trying to say, but failing, is that I’m very appreciative of what my blog gives me in terms of community, an outlet for creativity, and a stroking of my very needy ego.

So, thank you.

I’m going to splurge a little on my lazy trend and give you, in the extended entry, the contents of an email I received that I thought worth the time to read.  I LOL’ed a few times.

Let me know if you agree.

Or not.  You can be lazy too.

I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have fun..” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

That’s enough, Nickelback.

I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase “Regards” again.

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft. 

There is a great need for sarcasm font.

Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the hell was going on when I first saw it.

I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it.

The other night I hit a new low at an open bar. I had already hopped on highway blackout when, inevitably I had to find a bathroom. Eventually I decided it was probably on the other side of the bar so I tried to walk over there, but ran into a guy coming the other way. We played that, Both go left, Both go right game to no avail, so I finally put out my hand to guide myself past and that’s is when I realized, yup, that’s a mirror I just tried to walk through. And the guy on the other side is me. Even cats can recognize their own image.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than
take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

Was learning cursive really necessary?

Lol has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.  Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

My brother’s Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads.  Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, “Cuz we beat you, and you hate us.” Classy, bro.

Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.

How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a shmuck from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’ examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said “Yes that’s G as in…(10 second lapse)..ummm…Goonies”

What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5.. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

I would like to officially coin the phrase ‘catching the swine flu’ to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman. Example: “Dave caught the swine flu last night.”

I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories.

Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!

Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem….

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.

There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

“Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.

I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this.  It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room.  Will we still be friends after this?’

While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don’t win, they are executed.

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

When I meet a new girl, I’m terrified of mentioning something she hasn’t already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles…

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

I think that if, years down the road when I’m trying to have a kid, I find out that I’m sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to with it.

My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day “Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?” How the hell do I respond to that?

It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself.  There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.

If you give her sperm, she’ll give you a baby.

If you give her a house, she’ll give you a home.

If you give her groceries, she’ll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she’ll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

So, if you’re wise at all, don’t give her any crap…

Received in email today, and slightly modified by me.

He was a lousy pickle factory owner. 

So was his dad.  His dad just got the job because he was the owner/founder’s son, but the ways of safely and expertly putting pickles into jars all day were completely lost on him.  To avoid bankruptcy, his dad hired an outside consulting firm to run operations, and just took a normal managerial job; one that wasn’t too demanding, didn’t require too many decisions, and most of all, didn’t involve too many pickles.  This was a great decision because this helped the factory keep the doors open.  It didn’t excel, but it didn’t close, and that made all the workers pretty happy.

Gary was a lot like his dad, which meant he wasn’t anything like his grandfather.  This also meant the outside consulting firm maintained operational control of the company.  Gary hated this.  He had his own dreams.  He loathed going to work at a factory he should have been running, he should have as a feather in his cap, he should be proud to declare his namesake.

The problems Gary had stemmed not from the process of placing contents into jars, cans, cannisters, containers or boxes, but rather that of the contents themselves.  He couldn’t stand pickles.  The smell, the texture, even the CRACK! sound when you bent one in half; it all raked his spine like someone injected gravel into one’s cartilege.  The bumps annoyed him.  The color disgusted him.  Pickle juice made him squirm.  Even the sound of the word itself… ewww.

He hated pickles.

This in itself isn’t too weird.  There are a lot of people who don’t like pickles, and most people have at least one idiosyncrasy that helps define them.  Gary, however, had two.

He loved fecal matter.  As much as he hated pickles, THAT was how much he loved crap.  It was disturbing how fascinated he was with #2.  Dung was at the top of his list for what he needed for a fantastic time.  If he had his druthers, he’d be examining guano, manure, cow pies and excrements of all shapes, sizes and smells.  He knew poop had a lot more going for it than just being a good fertilizer.

His problem was what to do with this fancy of his.  All he knew, professionally, was pickling.

So after a particularly successful session on the toilet, where he does his best thinking, Gary came up with the perfect business idea. 

He’d start a new business.  Surely there’s a market for people like him, who’d want their meadow muffins stored conveniently in a jar for safe keeping!

The motto of his new business would be

Play along!

Me: Hey Jaden, what color was George Washington’s white horse?

Jaden: I don’t know. What?

Me (repeating with emphasis): What color was George Washington’s WHITE horse?

Jaden (smiling): Oh, White!

Me: Good job.  What do you put into a toaster?

Jaden (thinking): Toast!

Me: No, you get toast out of a toaster.  You put bread in a toaster.

Jaden: Oh… (smiles again)

Me: What do cows drink?

Jaden: Uh, milk!

Me: No, you get milk out of cows.  Cows drink water.

Jaden (pauses): Baby cows drink milk…

Me: (stumped)

Dangit.  I hate losing this game.

Like most people, I dream of making it big.  Sometimes my daydreams take me to the day I win the lottery; sometimes it’s a big inheritance.  I fantasize about inventing the next killer gadget and making millions, or becoming an Internet star.  I think of all my debt being gone, being able to vacation anywhere anytime, and sharing my good fortune with family and friends.

I think to myself - if I just became rich, I’d be the coolest rich person on earth.

I’d be the rich eccentric friend who would pay for you to go on an all-expenses-paid cruise around the world, surprise you with lavish gifts and help you make your dreams come true.  I might secretly “make things happen” for you behind the scenes.   I might buy you a house or a plane or something huge.  I’d want to be the kind of person where if I made it big, my close friends made it big with me.

But now?

(Read on for the rest of the story.)

Yeah. uh-huh.  Dat’s right.  All you suckers can go jump in the lake!  I’M RICH! I’M RICH!!!!

I didn’t win the lottery, inherit millions or make some new gadget.  But in this down economy, I was able to show initiative and invest my way to retirement!  And YOU didn’t.  YOU’RE a loser.  I’M the awesome one here, and I’m off to Barbados or the Caymans or wherever the rich go to be lazy, dodge the suffocating US tax system and live it up.  Just as soon as my check clears, I’ll have made it to where the ‘other half’ lives.

And now that I’m where I want to be, I don’t feel like being the coolest rich person on earth as other people would view it.  I’m now just interested in myself and my family.  Instead of taking all my friends on a cruise like I had dreamed before, instead I think I might print my own money with my own face on it and mail it to everyone just to rub it in!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA LOSERS.

Some of you might wonder what investment I’m making that gained me so much money.  Since I’ve already acted on it, I figure it’s probably safe to share with you my secret.  You’re probably kicking yourself right now for not acting on it yourself, and for that I laugh at you AGAIN.

Here’s what I received via email just last night. Click to embiggen.

It seems me and Mr. Joseph A. Pedro are gonna leave you suckers in the dust.

Toodle-loo!  I probably won’t be blogging much since I’m not going to care much about anything but ME for the rest of my life.  BYE!

Poppy here.  I made a video for Wayne. It’s really for Wayne, just Wayne, to make him laugh. I understand if it was too “artistic” (read: weird) for the rest of the world.

In the video I address the fact that I don’t actually know where he is right now, since he seems to actually still be here but not posting, and that’s kinda not important.  What is important is that he is awesome and deserves a tribute-like video, akin to a little sister looking up to a big brother by making a sappy speech in front of a room full of people at his wedding. (or something.)

So, here’s the video. I hope you enjoy in its eccentricity:

Whalljacked from Poppy Cede on Vimeo.

Ok, well Happy Keester, too.

I didn’t originally think I’d be on vacation from the blog, too, but now that I realize the resort’s wifi is only available near the main activities center, and my AT&T Internet card is only 2G (which means “better than dialup, but still slow”), blogging might make too much of an impact on the vacation.  So while my twitter and utterz will probably stay on par as far as publishing pattern goes, it might get a little stale around here.

Then again, sometimes I don’t handle my blogging addiction as well as I *say* I will, so who knows.  I might write 3 more blog entries later today!  

Fortunately, I do a lot of blog READING and COMMENTING from my blackberry, which is not impaired in any way.  So, if I don’t comment on your blog, it’s probably because you’re too boring for me to bother during my vacation.

Haha, Ahm so funneh.

OH HEY!?  Have you tried MAD GAB game yet?  It’s AWESOME.  Look for it.  We got it as an early XMAS gift from a relative and it’s perfect for me.

Just so you’re not left empty-handed today, however, I’m leaving you the dog and cat diaries.

DOG DIARY

8:00 am – Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am – A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am – A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am – Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 PM – Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM – Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM – Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM – Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM – Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM – Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM – Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

CAT DIARY

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of.

However, they merely made condescending comments about what a ‘good little hunter’ I am.

Bastards! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of ‘allergies.

I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow — but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released — and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.