There was a time when I was all the rage.

I used to be… “the man.” I’m not sure if you understand how studly I was, so let me put it into perspective for you.

1. Women’s fertility rates would go sky high if someone said a word that rhymed with “Wayne”. Scientists have often speculated that the Baby Boomer generation was caused by the return of soldiers from WWII but in reality, it was the increased popularity of John Wayne.
2. I could impregnate a woman just by walking past them in the grocery store. That’s why I sent other people in my stead.
3. Offers for my DNA samples were in the six figures.
4. Chuck Norris sent in a SASE to me for my 12-part program, “How to increase your manliness” and flunked out, saying “that kind of manliness just isn’t possible.”
5. George Clooney, Tom Cruise, Mel Gibson, Sean Connery and Arnold Schwarzenegger each took stud lessons from me.  Each of them have fallen from stud graces and it’s not a coincidence that their fall started when they stopped paying me.
6. The term “Stud Poker” was originally inspired by my high school nickname.

After a time, I saw clues that indicated… maybe I wasn’t such a stud after all. The looks I would get from some people seemed to say “pshaw, he ain’t that hot.” At first, I pitied these poor souls who couldn’t understand the greatness standing right in front of them. It’s as if they could walk right by a Mona Lisa or ignore one of the Great Pyramids. Clearly they didn’t “Get it”.

But then this perception continued, and it happened with more people. I started to suspect that maybe, just maybe, all this greatness was concocted by none other than yours truly, and that it was all in my head.

Was it possible that I suffered from narcissicm? Was a self-deluded egotistical fool? Was *I* the poor soul that deserved such pity?

This gave me great pause.

(pause)

And then, while looking through old car repair receipts, I found the answer. I discovered the clue that poured insight into the change that happened with me.

Funny thing is – I’d easily pay 1.4 hrs of labor to get it replaced.

I’ve been told that I have great eyes. 

Technically they’re hazel, but they change from brown to green based on many things ranging from my mood, environment, clothing, financial state or presidential candidate’s economic policy.

Tribal knowledge tells me that when my eyes are green, I’m happier.  I have no scientific proof, log books, journals or tweets indicating a solid trend or causal effect.  But I have plenty of hyperbole and heresay that tell me when my eyes are green, it means I’m in a GREAT mood. 

Hmm, maybe I should make sure to wear sunglasses when playing poker.

My awesome eyes started their awesomeness when I was awesome as a young awesome child full of awesomeosity:

Oops, too young, and the picture is too fuzzy and doesn’t give enough detail.  Let me try again:

Ah, that’s better.

Sometimes I have my eyes tilted to the side:

Sometimes the eyes drift over to left for no reason:

Sometimes they’re protected in a silvery coating that reflects everything, from recording devices held up by a random appendage to a green trash container

And sometimes one eye decides to go off all on its own:

And if you REALLY wanted to look deep within my soul, now there’s a device that can do it.

(click for obscenely larger versions)

I know you *THOUGHT* these are from the Hubble Space Telescope, looking astronomically distant, beyond a distant galaxy and glimpsing the eye of God Himself while he peers into our Universe, but alas, it is only my own eyes.  But I repeat myself.

During my most recent trip to the optometrist (a new one we switched to), they have this Optomap thingy that takes a super high definition picture of the INSIDE of your eye. It supposedly helps them discover potential disease or maladies with your eyes better than just a visual examination by the doctor.

Either way, I found it quite cool.

More importantly, I’ve given you the above super obscenely large versions of the inside of my eye so you can finally have the computer wallpaper you’ve always dreamed of.

Today I was called a dork by email. 

I’m usually called a dork, and it happens multiple times a day.  Less often by email, but it occurs nonetheless.  Mostly I’m called a dork to my face (my preference).  Sometimes they say “dork!” lovingly, with a smirk or a smile, and other times they say DORK! as in “SMART ASS!”  In High School I was Supreme Ultra Powerful Almighty Dork (SUPA-Dork for short).

You might not believe me when I claim my dorktitude.  Well, I’ll have you know, I’m wearing a shirt that proves it.  Imagine coming to work and meeting someone wearing a shirt like this:

Still not convinced?  Ok, how about this.  I took a picture of my friend’s trip odometer reading when it turned 1111.

There seems to be no limit to my dorkosity.

I’ll even use my own blog to brag about ALMOST getting 100% on a Guitar Hero II Expert song - just missing a couple demon notes at the end.

Join in the fun, won’t you?  Here are some terms used to describe my dorkiness - I’d love it if you could add more: 

1. Wayne is the DorkMaster. 
2. Wayne suffers from a massive Dorkoma.
3. Everyone else suffers from Wayne’s massive Dorkoma.
4. DORKWAD stands for “Dork, Wayne A Dork”
5. Wayne is dorkalicious.
6. All hail the dorktastic Wayner!

Ooops, I mistyped the above.

What I meant was, Have you Senior Photo?

Some of the bloggers I read have been posting photos of their younger selves.  So I went a diggin’ for my own photos and once I found a few, I thought to myself - my, my my, I suuuuuure did look good back in high school.  In order to distract the world from how I look now, I surmised I would post one of the better photos and ask everyone to join in the fun.

Here’s how it works:

• Try not to laugh at me OR my photo.
• Try harder, please.
• Find your favorite high school photo of yourself.  Blog about it if you have one and link back to this post, or you can send it to me at whall at the name of my blog and I’ll post it in the comments for you.
• Comment amongst yourselves on how good we all look(ed).

Enjoy!

Should you choose to accept it, your mission today is to make a face at someone and have them make one back at you.

Jaden started it.

That’s what he’d like teh internetz to do for him today.

What’s your best “making a face” face?

Here’s mine: