About the author.

Welcome to The blog of whall

Come on in and stay a while… laugh a little. Maybe even think. Read more...

Hi, This is Wayne. This is my site, my stuff, my blog, blahblahblah. The site itself is powered by WordPress and the Scary Little theme. I thought it was cool, and I still do.

8:07 am
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This is not Wayne, this is Dave from Blogography, and I’ll be filling in today while the vacationing Family of Whall is increasing their Carbon Footprint in South Padre! We now rejoin Lil’ Dave and Bad Monkey with their show already in progress…

Lil' Dave's Bad-Ass Blogography Show with Lil' Wayne

Welcome back to the Blogography Show LIVE from Austin. Please welcome genius hip-hop artist Lil' Wayne!

Lil' Wayne Hall enters the stage...

You're not the Lil' Wayne I was expecting... aren't you supposed to be on vacation? - What do you have for us tonight?

Lil' Wayne Hall has LOLCat posters! Lil' Dave shouts "SECURITY!!"

Error Screen... We'll Be Right Back!

Oops. Better luck next time Lil’ Wayne.

7:53 am
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Heh heh heh heh huh heh heh.

That is the sound of pure evil, with an added 10% maniacal laughter.  For I know a little of what is in store for you over the next week to 10 days.

(it helps if you think of Vincent Price reading this next part.)

WHALLness falls across the land
The guesting hour is close at hand
The Hall clan crawls in search of coast
A week down there is needed most
And whosoever whall has chose
To write his guest posts, no-one knows
You stand and face “guest poster’s hell”
It’s not a fate you wished befell
The funniest posts are in the wings
The spunk of forty thousand words
And grizzly geeks from every blog
Are prepping up your mental fog
And though you’ll wonder if Wayne’s alive
Your keyboard starts to flitter
For no mere mortal can resist
The evil of his twitter
vincent price

So there you have it. In non-Vincent parlance, our family is going on vacation for a week down at South Padre, and I have arranged for a fantastic set of bloggers to come take over my blog during that time.  At least, as far as I know I’m getting a fantastic set of bloggers.  I’ve outsourced my guest posting to India like all the successful companies, and I was assured of the “toppest of qualityness”

I have no idea what they have scheduled, and my only rule was not to say anything bad about Jestertunes (note: language warning) while I’m gone.

Me?  I plan on commenting, tweeting, uttering and having fun in the sun.  I’ll be back here sometime the week of the 17th.  You?  You’re gonna come back each day and see what pearls of blogdom await.  Or you could subscribe to my feed I guess.

8:47 am
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I mentioned about a week ago how lucky I am in life and gave several examples.  I have some new examples to share with the Universe, and by proxy, you.

For one, when I got back to work on Wednesday, I put my $0.35 in the vending machine and got back not one, but TWO Pepsi cans!  I know!  I couldn’t believe it either!

But that’s not the extent of my luck.  No sir.

Karl from Secondhandkarl.com wrote an engaging guest post for me and introduced me to Jerron, the smiling idiot, aka “The Cornstarch Bandit.”  What’s interesting is Karl wrote about the “3 name” condition and some of you don’t know that I actually go by my middle name, Wayne.  And he didn’t pussyfoot around his gardening euphemism.

Then Robin from  The Road Less Unraveled told the hidden story of our past.  She showed off the one picture I didn’t think would ever surface.  There’s only one good thing about that picture and it’s right in the middle.

Then Marty.  Marty Marty Marty.  He took one of my blog themes and made his own.  And he did a darned good job, too.  It’s always a special feeling when someone goes to the trouble, effort, planning, and technical issues to actually get someone like Marty to post.  Oh wait.  I meant when someone goes through all that to MAKE a post for me.  Yeah, that’s it!  Most people don’t know that this is Marty’s second DITL.  Check out his first one.  It’s DITLicious!

My blog was subsequently subjected to the all-time hotness of Cissa, who continued the “take a theme, pass it around” trend and made her own version of the Stuff you don’t want to MISC series.  Yes, Cissa, you can definitely be Miss August.  Speaking of August, maybe I’ll finish your blog upgrade by then 🙂  And I loved the LOLcats – truly a whallmark of the series!

Sheila, the Charm School Reject confessed to the world her adoration of me.  I think we’re more alike than she realizes, except the nicotine part.  Oh, and I prefer Reese’s to whatchamacallits, and Pepsi to Dr. Pepper.  Plus I’m not smart enough to do self-deprecating humor.  Oh, and purple and green are vastly superior to pink.  But that’s it, really.  She also uncovered my super secret bipolar plot to have suggestive blog post titles do my innuendoing for me.

LeSombre was muy funnio in his Roast of me, and he wasn’t content to just roast the host with the most, but included all the other guest posters!   Here am thinking *I’m* lucky, but he claimed to be able to use Shash’s bazongas!  Talk about being lucky!  There are “snicker” posts, “heh” posts and all sorts of minor ways something can make you laugh, but this one actually earned the literal meaning of “LOL”.  I shall dub it LLOL (Literal Laugh Out Loud) or LOLNY (Laugh Out Loud, No Really).

So there you have it.  Proof that luck REALLY exists.

12:01 am
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LeSombre, being awesome as usual

Johnny Jacobs: Welcome back to the Roast of Wayne Hall. Our next roaster hails from Canadia. He gave up a promising football career to become a horrible blogger. They call him LeSombre because his LovelyWife insists they keep the lights off while making whoopee -Ladies and gentlemens, boys and girls of 13 years or more:  LeSooooooooooombre!

[Crowd goes nuts]

Thank you, thank you! Please sit down. 

Oh man, what an honour* to be on this dais with the rest of the roasters. When I saw the line-up for this week’s Roast, I was completely Verklempt. I mean, it’s not every day that I get to look this good just by standing next to a bunch of people. 

You know, when someone has a hard time writing on his own blog, and ends up blogging about the same things over and over again – sniffs, cries, pouts, my life sucks, hey look what I found online, Oh I might stop blogging soon – they normally don’t get invited to do one of these things. So how did you get invited here Karl?

Not to pounce on the elderly, but Karl was recently at a shopping mall with his daughters and got lost. His daughters went to the security office and said:

“We’ve lost our dad”

The mall cop asked, “What’s he like?”

They replied, “Jack Daniel’s and women with big bazongas.”

Speaking of big bazongas, Robin from the road less unravelled is here.

Robin is both Jewish and Irish. She married a gay man – typical Luck of the Irish. But then her Jewish heritage kicked in and she figured it was cheaper than hiring a maid.

And let’s say hello to Marty Mankins from bbumaccident.com (PG-13fied) who is gracing us with his presence. I’m certain that when I learned that Marty was going to guest post here, my reaction  was the same as yours:


But then of course I did a little research and was promptly disciplined at work for mistyping his URL. 

Eventually I gathered that Marty is the Snowy Sunday guy. Boy was that a disappointment when I realized it was about actual snow. Hey Marty, you know in Canadia we have a special channel that talks about snow 24/7/365. It’s called the window.

Speaking of the weather, I blame everything on Cissa, aka the Wiccan Witch of the East (Go Patriots!).

Maybe I should give Cissa a break because it’s not easy being a blonde Witch. For example, Cissa once put her broom in the washing machine because she wanted a clean sweep.  I asked Cissa how many Witches it took to change a light bulb. She said “Into what?”. 

What do you call 13 Witches in a hot tub? A Self-Cleaning Coven. Well, in Cissa’s case, that would be an awesome HNT. I might even convert from my Pastafarian ways for that.

And speaking of crazy chicks…

What can I say about SheilaCSR that has not been covered in the DSM-IV already? It’s really ill-advised to make fun of one’s Blogey Wife unless one doesn’t matter sleeping on the Blogey Couch and/or being in the Blogey Doghouse.  I sure have a knack to pick them, eh?

But enough about all these losers, let’s talk about the man of the hour week.

I have to tread really lightly here; I wouldn’t want to offend someone who thinks they have to own 300 handguns in case a polar bear attacks them. So I admit I was a little scared when Whall asked me to roast him. After all, he wants everything to be kept PG-13 – hence his use of “Whall’s 3-minute DITL” instead of “Whall’s 3-minute BEEEEEP”, and that’s not really my style.

So what can I say about Whall that would not get me in trouble?

Whall is such a Republican; he thinks “proletariat” is a type of cheese. He refers to me as “his Canadian friend” and secretly wishes I was black and gay. He doesn’t think “The Simpsons” is all that funny, but he watches it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense. He thinks HMO is a cable channel. He thinks spooning is something you do at Dairy Queen.

Yeah, I think I shouldn’t do that. What? This is not the rehearsal? Oh Sacrebleu!

Seriously Wayne, thanks for letting me guest post here. You are a cool guy and your geekdom – which is limitless, it seems – makes me feel normal. I hope you enjoyed your blogging break – I know we did. 



Oh hi! I’m guessing that if you read this far, you kind of figured out that this is LeSombre from LeSombre.ca. The .ca stands for Canadia, of course. Let me take this moment to thank Whall for letting me guest-post for real over here. If you ever visit my blog, you can expect things to be a lot less PG-13 than what you found here. This was really hard to write, and I think it made me a better person in the process.

Well, I can dream, can I?

One last thing: Thanks to all the bloggers who let me make fun of them in this post. If you’re wondering, I did contact every one of them to ask their permission, and I also had them okay the final post before publishing it. Yes, Canadians are THAT nice.

Special thanks to Shash from Crazedmommy for the use of Bazongas.

*Denotes Canadian spelling. Crazy UnitedStatsians with their made-up words.

Hello Wayneaholics, Cissa here from Heart of Fire!

I was lucky enough to beg for a chance and given permission be hand-picked by Wayne to be a guest poster this week, and I thought I would try to be similar to some of the other great bloggers who have graced this place and keep up with some Wayne-ish traditions, so you feel more comfortable while Wayne’s living it up in Reno/Tahoe!

See the title?  I came up with that….You see, My husband MISK, is a big deal on my blog.  I speak of him often…ok well..usually when I am mad at him for something, but…entirely not the point — I’m here for Wayne! So without further delay,  onto the MISK, I mean MISC. Stuff : Cissa Style!

Cissa is Hot!  FIREheart is My name afterall…

I have decided that this year, I am going to go up for the Hot Blogger Calendar.  But I’m no dummy.  I know from reading Variety and all the Hollywood trades research that in order to get votes to win something, you have to start Campaigning Early!  I mean look at the Presidential race — Some nominees start a whole 2 years before!

So this year I am starting before it’s even announced that votes are open.  Vote for Me for Hot Blogger 2010! What?  You still need proof of my hotness?  well check THESE babies out:


Looking Hot at Dave York last Weekend…


Striking a pose last summer on the beach

heather1The.Best.Picture.of.Me.Ever.  I totally can be Miss August.

See what I mean? HOT!  Plus?  I have some Hot Friends who were in this year’s calendar. Hot by Association! I got this one in the bag, baby!

So next year when the polls open, remember me, Cissa Fireheart!

I know nothing about Tech stuff but WordPress 2.7.1 Is not Installed on My Blog!

I’d totally go into some techy talk, like Wayne does, but let’s face it — I’m just not that smart.  I mean, all I do all day is copy and paste HTML and insert a few links write detailed programming on websites.  But I have that nagging little reminder sitting on my WordPress dashboard every time I log into my blog, so I thought I’d mention it.

I totally want the upgrade, even if I have no clue what it does.  Since Wayne is all techy, and in fact, is so cool he hosts my blog, and does all my maintenance…HEY WAYNE!  UPGRADE WHEN YOU GET BACK, PLEASE??

The Best of LOL Office Cats

I work in an office all day and so I thought I would show you guys some of the LOL Cats I have on my cubicle.  To me, they are hilarious, and if you work for Corporate America, or even a small office, you will appreciate them…





Well that’s about it for me here, folks.  Hope you are surviving the week without Wayne, and maybe I helped in a small way by doing this post the way Wayne might have done it if he were me….

See you around, and Wayne?  Thanks for letting me guest-post. Hope you are winning big at the slots!


Hey there, Whall-fans. It’s Marty from [edited to keep this post rated PG]. When Wayne asked for guest bloggers, I jumped at the chance. It’s not every day a liberal fun-loving guy gets to do more than leave a comment here on Whall.org.

And being the video guy I am, I thought I would make my own version of a DITL. I call it a WITL [Wayne Is Traveling Lately]. Here you go.

NOTE: The Vimeo video is having troubles. Below is the YouTube upload.

Blatant Plugs

7:01 am
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Hi, this is Robin from The Road Less Unraveled and I’m here to share some juicy details you didn’t know about Whall.

You know I’d always thought Whall seemed awfully familiar and it wasn’t until I agreed to guest post for him that I realize he is from my past. It was a long time ago, like 20+ years ago and it’s a really sweet story.

You see at the time I was a teenager in high school from the wrong side of the tracks but I had quite the flair for fashion. My very best friend was also from my neighborhood and you know him as Whall. He had a little bit of a crush on me but I had a thing for the rich and popular guy in high school.

Whall was sweet and always trying to get my attention. One time he even danced around the room to an Otis Redding song, he’s so crazy. I couldn’t help it though, I had my sights set on the man who had name that as whall once said “was an appliance not a name.”

In the end, after a lot of soul searching and a really hidious prom dress I picked the rich boy and left Whall all on his own. Looking back I feel bad, especially since when I went off to college the rich boy totally cheated on me. I should have gone with the best guy friend, especially when he can do an entire routine in the middle of music shop =)


It’s been said I’m a lucky man.

Usually, it’s me saying it.  And I fully recognize how lucky I am. You know, in life.

Examples? I’m getting to use the last of my rapidly-expiring frequent flier miles for a nice little vacation to Tahoe/Reno.  I have a great job that I love.   I have all my taste buds, and I don’t even know what hemorrhoids are.  I see these commercials for them, and corns, constipation, asthma, indigestion, “mommy I don’t feel very fresh” and all sorts of bodily mishaps and thank my lucky stars I cannot even comprehend what they’re talking about.

Want more proof?  A friend of mine used some of her hotel rewards to get me two free nights at a nice place in Reno!  SEE??!?!?!?  I know!

And that’s not all.  I have a Zune.  I have a blackberry.  I have a decent laptop for work (this makes ALL the difference in my enjoyment of life).  I don’t mention the family much on ye old blog of whall, but everyone who knows me personally how fantastically great they are.  I don’t watch CSI:Miami.  I have both of my legs, arms, eyes and brains.  I don’t have bad hygiene.  I can read *and* write.  My parents gave me everything I needed but not everything I wanted and for that I am most thankful.

I could go on and on about lucky things about me and the great position I’ve been placed in life.  But I won’t.  And you know why?  Because I’ve contracted bribed begged convinced six (6) blog friends to do it for me!

That’s right!  I’m off on my little vacation and the next week or so will be in the capable hands of the following guest posters:

Karl Erikson from secondhandkarl.com on Sun 5th

Robin/Hismuse from roadlessunraveled.com on Mon 6th

Marty Mankins from banalleakage.com on Tue 7th

Cissa from cissafireheart.com on Wed 8th

SheilaCSR from charm-school-reject.com on Thu 9th

LeSombre from lesombre.ca on Fri 10th

???? Who knows? Well, maybe I do. <sneaky grin> on Sat 11th

If you need more evidence of the luck I possess, I don’t know what to tell you.  I guess I’d say; wait until I get back from Tahoe/Reno with all my winnings.

THEN you’ll see.

12:20 am
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I don’t get guest posts often… in fact, I just yesterday created the blog category for it because it’s so rare.  Wait, that’s not right.  Let me try again.  Ahem. [rethinks] Because it’s so rare, I’d not had the occasion to need a Guest Posting category before; recent events have caused it into existence.

Yes, much better.

So, where was I?  Oh yeah, guest posts and their lack of oftentude.

Not only is a Guest Post on the blog of whall less common than a Presidential Cabinet appointee actually paying their taxes, it is even MORE significant when the guest posts actually coincide on the same day.  I mean, what are the chances?!?!??

This is akin to two ships sailing past each other in the night, except the first ship is a ghost ship made out of buttered pancake mix run by a zombie crew with Pee Wee Herman’s hair stylist as captain and the second ship is OH MY GOSH THE SAME EXACT SHIP!!!!

The crux of the story is that I had scheduled yesterday’s Golf Widow guest post but had happened into LeSombre’s guest post.

And guest post he did.  His most excellent post confirmed my suspicions all along – Canadians are useful creatures.

He did a fantastic LOL Polar Bearz collection that frankly, deserves an artwork gallery opening.

Go check it out and comment and stuff.

And, because I love each and every one of you like you were my own kidney, I give you this:

5:15 am
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today I bring you another fantastic Guest Post by none other than the great and powerful Golf Widow

This is my second guest post from her – you can buy one too!  Just go check her out.  Or check out the first guest post about Obama.  heh heh heh.  Hmm, that was almost exactly a year ago…

Anyway, here you go!

Guest posting is kind of like ventriloquism. My voice is over here, but I threw it here from over there, and it’s coming out of a completely unexpected place, which is confusing both to the regular readers of my blog and the regular readers of this blog.

I KNOW. Weird, huh?

Anyway, I have been fascinated by ventriloquists since I was a tiny kid. Not enough to become one. Like most sports fans, I love the game, but have no talent for playing it, myself.

If I were old enough, I’d be telling you about how much I loved Señor Wences and Edgar Bergen, but I’m not. They were my parent’s ventriloquists. Although my dad also admitted to liking Wayland Flowers and Madam. (I say “admitted,” not because HE was ashamed of liking them, but because my mom always SAID she thought Wayland Flowers was disgusting … even though she was always laughing her arse off when she said it.)

Anyway, I was the next generation. My first (and still favorite of all time) ventriloquist was Shari Lewis. She didn’t use hard dummies. She had loveable socks on her hands that talked like horses and dogs …

… and lambs.

Lamb Chop, specifically. Damn, I loved Lamb Chop.

Not on the kid shows as much; she was okay then, but Lamb Chop especially rocked my world when she was mixing with grown-ups: hosting “Evening at the Improv” or being on the panel of the “Gong Show” (“Why’d you gong him, Shari?” “Oh, I thought he wasn’t bad –” and then Lamb Chop would interrupt and say, “I HATED HIM!” and I’d be hysterically laughing. That’s powerful mojo, that is).

I was a grown-up myself when “Lamb Chop’s Play Along” started, but I watched it anyway. I taught my friends’ kids to sing “The Song That Doesn’t End” and sang “It’s Betcha Time” to babies, because babies seem to respond really well to it.

I was at my parents’ house, enjoying a perfectly companionable evening with my mother and watching a rerun of A&E’s “Biography” about Shari Lewis, until Karen Stone came on for the after-program commentary to explain that the rerun was being aired because Shari had passed away. I, literally, burst into shocked tears, as one does when one hears a close friend or family member has died suddenly. Which was the case, I suppose — I had known her almost my whole life, after all, though I never met her.

But that was years after the fact. In between were other ventriloquists. Jay Johnson and Bob. Willie Tyler and Lester.

I also loved Ronn Lucas and Scorch, his dragon. I used to see them on “Match Game” or on the occasional talk show, but nowhere else, really. I was bigger, but not old enough to go to Vegas.

I must have seen Jeff Dunham around the same time, because when I encountered Dunham again on Comedy Central, a decade or so later, I said to That Man of Mine, “I think I know this guy. If it’s the one I’m thinking of, he has a purple puppet with only one shoe, and a jalapeño pepper on a stick.”

A what?” That Man of Mine said.

Just watch,” I said.

Jeff Dunham from loukia nitsos on Vimeo.

And That Man of Mine went from being a ventrilophobe (thanks to that “Twilight Zone” episode, many of my friends are afraid of ventriloquist dummies) to being a crazy huge fan of Jeff Dunham and, subsequently, Terry Fator.

I love Terry Fator and all, but he’s almost too talented. He doesn’t throw HIS voice, he throws OTHER PEOPLE’S voices. I keep fearing I’ll find out he’s the ventriloquist equivalent of Milli Vanilli and he’s got Etta James records playing offstage when he does his Emma Taylor routine.

So Jeff Dunham has pretty much become my go-to dummy straight-man, and I’m not alone … he’s previously been voted “Funniest Male Stand-Up Comic” by Comedy Central and came in third, two years running, in their “Stand-Up Showdown.”

I don’t write fan fiction, not because my brain doesn’t bend that way, but because fan fiction is, bottom line, about being judged. Someone finds a plot inconsistency and trashes you. The real fans, they LOOK for stuff to trash you on. It’s what makes their lives fun.

However, I thought I would try my hand at some fan fiction, wherein Jeff Dunham would meet Mallory Lewis (Shari’s daughter, a ventriloquist who has taken over her mother’s reign and bills herself as “Lamb Chop’s Sister), and see how their puppets would interact.

It was a fiasco.

  • Lamb Chop recognized Walter’s sweater as one of her long-ago sheared coats, and refused to speak to him for the rest of the night.
  • Achmed was terrified that Hush Puppy would bury one of his bones.
  • Peanut called Charlie Horse a jackass.

Then Ronn Lucas crashed the party and Scorch turned Jose Jalapeño into a chipotle.

So that didn’t work out for me, either. But I’m content to be over here on the sidelines, enjoying these performers and their little counterparts confusing people into saying stuff like, “I wonder why Sweet Daddy Dee isn’t representing Jeff Dunham anymore.”

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