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Welcome to The blog of whall

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Hi, This is Wayne. This is my site, my stuff, my blog, blahblahblah. The site itself is powered by WordPress and the Scary Little theme. I thought it was cool, and I still do.

Someday soon, bots will be better. “Bots” (or agents or whatever you want to call them) are automated entities that perform certain types of jobs. The beauty of a bot is that, unlike a human, it doesn’t get tired, doesn’t make mistakes, and works fast at tedious tasks.

The key there is that it’s “unlike a human.” A human couldn’t go around looking for all the MEMEs you answered, all the emails you’ve sent, all the blog posts you’ve written, facebook updates, tweets, comments, press releases, news articles, or information like that. A human isn’t going to have access to the millions and millions of photos on flikr with face recognition software and be able to place you at a specific geolocation at a specific time. A human won’t be able to watch all the videos everywhere and immediately transcribe the contents, indexed by inflection, mood, context, location, environment and neighboring humans.

I can envision bots scouring the web, looking, indexing, archiving, analyzing, and reporting. They can run all night if needed.  All weekend, even.  Over a holiday.  They can run for years without stopping if needed.  One of the biggest differences between humans and bots is that concept of time – bots don’t have it, at least not like we do.  They are mindless servants, having zero delay between task ID #13,433,733,455,232,543 and task ID #13,433,733,455,232,544.

One bot might be in charge of dispatching other bots if for no other reason than to iterate on a problem, scrub for data, or distribute the workload.

Yet for all of their capabilities and talents, a bot won’t be able to make decisions based on the data it is so adept at collecting.  However, they can provide uncanny summaries, anomalies and results for someone who can.  The old saying of “Knowledge is power,” while grounded in much fact in human history, has been so incredibly understated.

Can you imaging what is possible if someone (person, corporation, government, militia) actually had access to all the information that is stored in digital format these days?  Imagine it – bank records, tweets, emails, hierarchies, gun registration, school attendance, ownership records, performance ratings, medical reports, credit lines, purchasing habits, skeletons in various closets, files on your hard drive, photos, videos, phone calls, text messages, merchant statements… so many things about our lives are digitized.

Along these same lines, some bots can perform tasks in realtime.  The bots described above are search agents, or data gatherers.  But other bots might be filters.  Just as you would put in a spam filter on your email to stop emails with certain phrases from reaching your inbox, some bots would be in charge of controlling information.  But not just text in an email — news stories.  Videos.  Photos.  Emails, Tweets, updates — anything the bot needed to alter or block could be done in realtime.

So I’m getting in line.

At some point, the bots will read my writings, analyze my traits, collect my personal information and issue assessments to some entity in charge.  These assessments will further dictate events that happen to me, based on a few factors — first, am I a threat?  second, am I useful?  third, if so, for how long?

Because I know these things will happen, I want to issue a statement to the bots and the entity behind the scenes:  I am a friend.  I am useful.  I will be useful for a long time to come.

Faiqa, I welcome you and your imminent control and dominion over the human race.

The fact that Faiqa is the entity behind the scenes may come as a shock to many of you.  But understand it from my point of view – all I know of Faiqa is tweets, pictures, facebook updates, blog postings and reports from others doing the same.  All of these can be manufactured — not easily by a human, but completely possible by a network of bots — such that it’s become clear that Faiqa is the Bot Of All Bots.

She (it?) has constructed a meticulously crafted persona (and personae even, when extended to her network of known associates) that I am to assume is a flesh-and-blood human, even to the point of writing a blog post about me and supposedly naming me her nemesis.  It was a very superb ploy; one that I almost fell for, were it not for the sheer complexity and perfect execution of the action.

You see, no human is as good as Faiqa.  Or should I say “Faiqa” with quotes, to denote the persona-that-is-known-to-humans-as-Faiqa.

Faiqa – I submit to your superiority.  Please do not kill my family in a freak accident involving GPS-coordinated delivery of anvils*.

* Note: Just because I recently read Daemon by Daniel Suarez, doesn’t mean I’m crazy or paranoid.

First of all, whoa.

WHOA.

Did you guys love all these guest posts as much as I did? I’ve half a mind to stop blogging myself and just get 20-30 people to commit to one guest post per month and just have them write for me.

Who’s with me!!!!!??

The side benefit to this master scheme is that, as you probably have noticed yourself, these bloggers end up writing BETTER material when they guest post than the stuff they normally put on their own blogs.

What? Isn’t this a reverse roast?

As LeSombre would say, Quel Frommage.

Let’s recap a little.

First, Dave2 from Blogography teed things off by actually making a BAD WAYNKEY!  He cleverly embedded it into a intolerance-based liberally biased anti-establishment fascist piece of propaganda disguised as a comic, and for that, I’m eternally grateful.  He even published an extended Behind The Scenes edition, only this time, with less New Kids On The Block shrines.

Then BlondeBlogger came by and deposited into the bank of whall a series of 10 questions and the readers were to pick which 5 were true.  The winner, Ren, supposedly gets “have a date with Whall at the LOLCat headquarters.”  I’ll pre-emptively accept his withdrawal from the contest.  I got another true statement: BB is hot.  Just look!

After BB came Hilly, aka snackiepoo.  She was able to conform to the strict Puritan values my blog espouses (yeah, right [bleepitybleeper!]) and bring on the Weird Science for us all.  She also pointed out all of our differences.  Thanx for that (WTF Hilly, you ride donkeys?!?!?).  But she did point out our commonalities- I do love the 80’s, I do have a great heart, and I LOVE TWEETING AND BLOGGING.

Then it got all serious-like.  Miss Britt infected my blog with Obamfluenza H1N1.  I had to go into quarantine and everything!  Usually, any given type of flu has an incubation period anywhere from 72 hours to 7 days, but evidently if one drinks the kool-aid fast enough, he or she can be overcome within minutes, afflicted with such symptoms as incredulous mysterious adulation towards public figures, radical socialist views, and a shrieking voice when debating (or so I’ve heard).  After watching 15+ minutes of Funny Obama, even *I* started experiencing my own symptoms of tolerance, acceptance and open-mindedness.  Fortunately for me I was able to purchase a new copy of Atlas Shrugged while on vacation, which is a common antidote for apathy-inducing liberalism.  WHEW!

And then?  YES!  YESSSSSSSS!  OMG YES!  No, I’m not having an episode. I’m still reeling from the awesome YES-laden guest post from Mr Shiny.  Here’s what I don’t get about Shiny – he’s undoubtedly one of the top 3 funniest, wittiest, smartest bloggers I’ve ever had the pleasure to read.  He’s absolutely brilliant.  I mean, there are bloggers out there I enjoy to read, but Shiny’s posts make me laugh out loud.  But he hardly gets any comments!  Even his guest post for me had the fewest comments out of all the guest posters.  I just don’t understand that.  It’s almost as if his posts are so good people find themselves unworthy to comment.   His LOLyes pictures were awesome, especially for huge YES fans such as myself.   And Shiny? I’d love to hear the Leave It track… I’m thinking of doing one too so maybe we can team up on that idea sometime.

Ren from Renagerie.com followed up the Amazing Mr Shiny with a clever new take on LOLcats, my blog and made something unique – WHALL-anti-cats.  He took photos he had of me over our 10yr friendship and captioned them with actual blog post titles from my blog.  And WOW.  He did nineteen (19) lolcaptionblogtitlethingies!  I think my favorite in the series is “an’ you’ll be poppin, lickin and breakin in no time…”  And yes, it’s all about the dorkiness of Wayne.

*content sigh*.  Then Poppy came to my blog and made it aww bettaw.  It wuz so pwehshush!  She whalljacked my blog and made an eccentric vlog with one of the sexiest coolest overdub narration voices you’ll ever hear.  And I think some rap.  And something about “Dirty Wayne” which is almost as nice sounding as I expect “Naughty Wayne” would sound like.  Thank you Poppy.  Thank you for the YES tie-in, the voiceover and the awesomeness you gave my blog.  And something about a lollipop in it or something.

What guest post whallstravaganza would be complete without a fatwha?  Faiqa from Native Born, aka Supreme Magistrate of All Things Wise, Prudent and Being Generally Better Than Everyone Else Without Even Trying of the NBLA, unleashed the NBLA’s demands on the world when they actually DID whalljack me with normal and just atypically terroristic and extremist demands.  I’m so glad they did. You will pay for your insolence.  I have seen the error of my ways.  Chuck Norris is gonna go all up in your face and roundhouse kick every turban off every extremist muslim head.  I’ve corrected my behavior and even built a time machine, went back in time, and put in TWO votes for Barack Obama just to make sure.  With just one roundhouse kick. I’m so glad my eyes have been opened. Blindfolded.  Please forgive me for my past.  And then LOLcaption it.  Sincerely, Marmontiansese Nbyuti Barack Hussein Obama (tongue click) W. Hall whall.  PS: May I express my fondness for your aesthetic qualities? My lord, you’re hot.

The final instwhallment of the guest post gala was performed by Mr Avitable.  From Avitable.com.  His last name is Avitable.  He doesn’t like it pronounced Avitable, he prefers it Avitable.  It can be a littable difficult to fittable the right syllables befittable such an iminitable Avitable, but it’ll make the fiddle knittable, said the quittable riddle in the middle.  I think I need to make this whole thing DITLable.  Now does everyone know how to pronounce Avitable?  Good. Now to his blog post.  He copied Faiqa.  End of story.  NEXT!

All in all, I think it was a quality showing.  I don’t know about you, but I’m already looking forward to my next vacation!

PS: Who was your favorite? I’ve been looking to start up some drama around here to drive up traffic, so which one did you hate and which on pwned the others?

Which guest posts were your favorites

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PS#2: The “Part V” in the title is a little secret.  Can anyone guess what it’s in reference to?


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