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Welcome to The blog of whall

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Hi, This is Wayne. This is my site, my stuff, my blog, blahblahblah. The site itself is powered by WordPress and the Scary Little theme. I thought it was cool, and I still do.

November
20
2006
8:19 am
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I cannot, nor will not, authenticate this in any way or attempt to make sure it’s real.  I’m just not that kind of guy.  Nor will I extend this disclaimer past three sentences; a run-on sentence still counts as one.

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Check out more in the extended entry, below. 

(more…)

October
3
2006
3:55 pm
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A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over.

When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded the blonde “stand in that circle and DON’T MOVE!”. He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. 

When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said “Oh you think that’s funny? Watch this!” He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.

When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she’s laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. 

He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.

“What’s so funny?” the truck driver asked the blonde.

She replied, “Every time you weren’t looking, I stepped outside the circle!”

September
27
2006
10:25 am
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Parents provide a valuable service to children by teaching them many important lessons about life. Here are some examples.

What parents teach you How they do it
To Appreciate a Job Well Done   “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!
Religion   “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
Time Travel   “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
Logic   “Because I said so, that’s why.”
More Logic   “If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re NOT going to the store with me.
Foresight   “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
Irony   “Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
Osmosis   “Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
Contortionists   “Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
Stamina   “You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
Weather   “This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
Hypocrisy   “If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”
Circle of Life   “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
Behavior Modification   “Stop acting like your father!”
Envy   “There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”
Anticipation   “Just wait until we get home.”
Receiving   “You are going to get it when you get home!”
Medical Science   “If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”
ESP   “Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”
Humor   “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
How to Become an Adult   “If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
Genetics   “You’re just like your father.”
Roots   “Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”
Wisdom   “When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”
Justice   “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.”
July
28
2006
5:21 pm
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Q: What’s brown and sticky?

A: A stick!

July
21
2006
3:56 am
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    Dear Mrs. Toombs,

Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Albert Toombs has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores.

We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr.Toombs have been compiled and are listed below.

Mr. Wally Zimbrowski,
Wal-Mart Complaint Department
 

 

Date   Complaint
June 15    Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
July 2   Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
July 7   Made a trail of pineapple juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
July 19   Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, ‘Code 3’ in housewares….. and watched what happened.
August 4   Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M’s on lay away.
September 14   Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
September 15   Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he’d invite them in if they’ll bring pillows from the bedding department.
September 23   When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’
October 4   Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
November 10   While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
December 3   Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
December 6   In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
December 18   Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
December 21   When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It’s those voices again!!!!"
December 23   Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
July
15
2006
1:02 am
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FACTS TO PONDER:

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000
(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health Human Services.


  
Now think about this:

(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000 (80 million).
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188

Statistics courtesy of the FBI


  

So, statistically, doctors are approximately, um, 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

Remember, “Guns don’t kill people, doctors do.”

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

Out of concern for the public at large, we have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention!

June
14
2006
8:26 am
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This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America’s supply of convenience store managers. And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Internet customer service reps.

June
13
2006
4:12 am
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Homer’s version of the Do-Re-Mi song:

Dough, the $tuff that buys me beer,
Ray, the guy who sells me beer,
Me, the guy who drinks the beer,
Fa(r), the distance to my beer,
So, I think I’ll have a beer,
La, la la la la la beer,
Tea, no thanks I’m drinking beer,

That will bring us back to …. d’oh! d’oh! d’oh! d’oh!

May
17
2006
3:05 pm
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Next time you go Out of Office, consider trying one of these interesting messages, rather than those ol’ boring automated replies, for your email:

  • I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
  • You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.
  • I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on April 4th. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
  • Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
  • The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many In-duh-viduals did this over and over).
  • Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system…You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
  • I’ve run away to join a different circus.
  • I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons… When I return, please refer to me as ‘ Margaret ‘ instead of ‘Steve’
April
18
2006
1:31 pm
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