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Welcome to The blog of whall

Come on in and stay a while… laugh a little. Maybe even think. Read more...

Hi, This is Wayne. This is my site, my stuff, my blog, blahblahblah. The site itself is powered by WordPress and the Scary Little theme. I thought it was cool, and I still do.

March
27
2006
5:44 pm
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I’ve always wanted a better, easier answer to give my kids on how babies are delivered.

Kid:   Daddy, where do babies come from?
Daddy:   I’m so glad you asked me that, honey. This is an important question in life, and I’m glad we can take this chance to discuss it. We have this thing called the US Postal Service. And so what happens is a man and woman who love each other very much wish very hard, hug in a special way, and then a baby is delivered. If you have any questions, make sure you ask your Phys Ed teacher at school. Kthanksbye!

Ah, were it that easy.

  
March
16
2006
2:35 am
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This guy’s site is hilarious. He made a little site of old B&W photos that were computer-related and makes a great description. Here’s one extract.

See all the photos in a semi-slide show if you’d like. There’s even sound on some of them.

†† From 1971, the Control Data Cyber 70 Bosom-Goggler, which automatically stares at the secretaryís breasts, freeing up the busy executive so he can stare at her legs.
March
15
2006
4:55 pm
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†† A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn’t even pay for your sandwich!”

“Hey, man, I’m a PANDA!” the panda shouts back. “Look it up!”

The manager opens his dictionary and reads:

††
Panda:
A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.

Shamelessly taken from http://www.dashes.com/anil/2006/03/12/panda_joke_vii

March
6
2006
4:35 pm
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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her
pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the
bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said,
“I’m so sorry, Cuddles has passed away.”

The distressed owner wailed, “Are you sure?

“Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead”, he replied.

“How can you be so sure”, she protested. “I mean, you haven’t done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a
few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner
looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws
on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then
looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog
and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird.
The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled
out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I
said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a
bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took
the bill. “$150!” she cried, $150 ! Just to tell me my duck is dead? !!”
The vet shrugged. “I’m sorry. If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would
have been $20… But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan…..”

March
2
2006
8:51 pm
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One of the things I do at work is manage the system that runs the call center.¬† You know, call menu trees, 800 numbers, “press 1 for this”, agents, call distribution, reporting, etc.¬† Well I got to thinking… it would be *so* much better if the call menus had a better sense of humor.¬† Maybe even have the phone system do a small bit of interaction from a humor perspective.¬† So here’s my suggestion at what one of these humor-based call menu trees would sound like.¬† In short, I think the phone prompt needs more cowbell. I think Christopher Walken agrees.

So give the Call Menu Tree needing more cowbell sample a good listen. If you’re a fan of the SNL “more cowbell” skit and like to laugh, then this is for you.

March
1
2006
8:34 am
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7 reasons not to mess with children



A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.”
The teacher asked, ” What if Jonah went to hell?”
The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”



A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”
The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”



A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou shall not kill.”



One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.
She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?”
Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”



The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
“Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor.’
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher, She’s dead. ”

[a form of the joke above actually happened last week to a friend of mine. He is 54 and raising his 5 year old grandson. The boy came home from school and told his grandpa that he was pretty good at math. His grandpa told him, “Yes I know you are.” Then the boy looked at him and said, “I figured out in school today that when I am your age, you’ll be dead!”.]



A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.
Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.”
“Yes,” the class said.
“Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?”
A little fellow shouted,
“Cause your feet ain’t empty.”



The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
“Take only ONE. God is watching.”
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

March
1
2006
8:26 am
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The shipwrecked sailor woke up on a beach. The sand was dark red. The sky was dark red. He looked around and saw dark red grass, dark red birds and dark red fruit on the dark red trees. Even his skin was starting to turn dark red.

Then he realized with horror that he was… marooned.

February
27
2006
10:20 pm
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Ireland Declares War on France


Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

“Hallo, Mr. Chirac!” a heavily accented voice said. “This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!”

“Well, Paddy,” Chirac replied, “This is indeed important news! How big is your army?”

“Right now,” says Paddy, after a moment’s calculation, “there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!”

Chirac paused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.”

“Begoora!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to ring you back.”


Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. “Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!”

“And what equipment would that be Paddy?” Chirac asks.

“Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy’s farm tractor.”

Chirac sighs amused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.”

“Saints preserve us!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to get back to you.”


Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. “Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!”

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!”

“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!” says Paddy, “I will have to ring you back.”


Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. “Top o’ the mornin’, Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.”

“Really? I am sorry to hear that,” says Chirac. “Why the sudden change of heart?”

“Well,” says Paddy, “we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.”

February
19
2006
7:01 pm
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If you remember The Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this will bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say, “I Love You”?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are “Do It,” “I Can Help,” and “I Can’t Get Enough”?
A. George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?
A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting, “Poo! Poo! Poo!” What does this mean?
A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body; what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn’t neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh.

February
17
2006
7:39 am
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http://www.goldmark.org/jeff/stupid-disclaimers/

Best things about the page:

  • I had to look up the word “tautological“. To bad it doesn’t rhyme with pleonastic. Anyway, it turns out that it happens to be my middle name. I never knew…
  • Statement: “If the mail system always adds a disclaimer saying that the message doesn’t represent official policy, then how do you state official policy by email. ”
  • Link to Parody disclaimers.

Worst things about the page:

  • Color scheme. Horrid! Especially at the top. The Lavender half-way down is ok, but sheesh.
  • In general, “stupid” just seems a little too harsh. But it did get my attention and that’s probably the intent.
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